abNormal (Bands fic)

Chappy 14

I despise my depression, my voice. It comes in waves, the feelings. Sometimes it will be calm and peaceful, sometimes it will be strong waves with a dark undertow that pulls you deeper into the emptiness, where you're alone and trapped in your own mind. That's why I call my depression Ocean. I am like I moth to its flame, however. I hate it but no matter how hard I want to get away, no matter how many times I'm burned, I go back to it, almost like I want the pain, loneliness, and suffering. But that's not how I explain it. I don't want it. I need it. Somehow, it gives me security, as if it's my only friend, my best friend in fact. Sometimes, I believe it is.

I walked downstairs in my usual long sleeves and attempted to eat breakfast.

Put down that food now! You worthless bitch! Put it down! You don't need it to be happy, you need to be skinny to be happy! Ocean screamed in my mind, I couldn't hear my own thoughts and talked quietly.

"Fuck you."

/She had decided not to make her visual appearance at this time. I was thankful.

"Hey." Brendon walked in.

"Hi." I said, slightly twitching at the volume of Ocean's screaming my brain.

"You okay?" Brendon raised an eyebrow.

"Just an itch." I pretended to scratch somewhere on my face before eating, each time I took a bite, making a disgusted face before powering through.

"I'm happy your trying." Brendon smiled warmly.

I laughed sickly, "You have no fucking clue how hard it is when there's a voice screaming at you not to in your head."

"I'm still proud."

"It's not for you. It's not for anyone but myself. I'm eating in defiance to her, not to please you.
I'm just so sick of her right now. She kept me up all night." I kept eating.

He looked slightly terrified that I was talking about a voice.

"If you want to kick me out then go ahead. I know I'm crazy. I can go to a home or something." I shrugged as I picked up my empty bowl of cereal and put it in the sink.

He was speechless.

I chuckled, "Just say the words and I'll leave. It's clear you want me to."

He shook his head, "No."

"No?" I asked, surprised.

He nodded, "You're staying here. You're not crazy."

I laughed, "If I'm not crazy, then somewhere on this planet, there's a person who loves me. Do you get it now? Impossible!"

He mumbled something I didn't understand and got up to put his bowl away.

"I'm walking to school." I stated, walking out the door.

I was finally giving in to Ocean, who said I needed to burn off the calories I gained. I couldn't bear ignoring her or else He would join in. He was the truly evil voice, who sounded like whoever I was attached to at that moment, or if no one, my dad. He was the worst. I was always thankful he rarely showed up.

I got school and met up with Camden, as usual, but he gave me a dirty look and walked away.

I stopped dead in my tracks and furrowed my eyebrows, but I let him go. I still had instincts that said when someone was angry, back the fuck away so you don't get hit.

I walked into school and seemed like everyone was giving me dirty looks today. Even in class.

I guessed Brendon hadn't heard because he sat next to me per usual.