ballerina // jøshler

trente et un ;

For the next few days, Tyler's siblings came over and he slowly starting them how his relationship unfolded the way it did (with the help of Josh and Jenna, of course).

"So you guys aren't like a hundred years apart?" Jay asked.

Tyler shook his head, "Nope. He's only older than me by a few years. It'd be perfectly legal if we weren't teacher and student."

Josh nodded in agreement, his arm wrapped securely around Tyler's shoulders. He placed a kiss on the brunette's cheek before saying, "But it's more adventurous this way. I feel like such a rebel all the time now. It's exciting."

The brunette rolled his eyes while his sibling's faces turned red in awkward embarrassment. Jenna's head fell back in laughter. "I love you guys."

"We love you too, Jen."

"I never pictured Tyler as a rule breaker. I mean, sure there was that one time when you ran away from home, but I mean other than that, you were a pretty strict rule follower...and enforcer." Zack commented as he put down an Uno card, a blue four; Jay looked intensely at the large fan of cards in his hands.

"It's New York, baby!" Jenna exclaimed in a butchered New Yorker accent. "I know it's a cliché that the city changes you, but it does. Sometimes it's a good change, and sometimes it's not. Tyler's change has definitely improved him."

Zack only shrugged, which caused Tyler a great discomfort. He shifted uncomfortably as he placed a card in the middle of the coffee table. Conversations continued, but the brunette couldn't stop thinking about what his brother said and why. He didn't know why he was so offended, but he was. He didn't picture himself as a rule breaker, but he also didn't see himself as a follower.

"I mean sure, did I want to leave in such a dramatic way? No. I loved you guys so much. It's just that I needed to do move. And Josh...he was there for me. It wasn't just a wild decision I made because I knew of the consequences."

The room went quiet and the game came to a halt. "Ty..." Josh started, placing a hand on the other's shoulder.

"No, I'm serious. I-I wanted to be in a relationship. It wasn't anything wild and dangerous. It's not adventurous. It's just a normal relationship. It shouldn't matter that he's my teacher," the brunette felt his face grow hot and his heart started to pound in his chest. The more he talked, the more he started to get worked up. "I...I love him anyway, you know?"

The group nodded their heads uncomfortably. Tyler's emotional babbling had made everyone aware of the time.

"We better get going. Mom and Dad will want to go to dinner." Maddy finally announced, standing from the floor. Her brothers did the same. They still had a few days left in New York, but they hugged and said their goodbyes as if they were leaving that night. Tyler couldn't help but think that he'd ruined any progress he'd made with his brothers and sister.

After everyone left, Tyler broke down even more minute by minute. "I...I didn't mean to screw things up and now I screwed up everything!" Joshua had his arms wrapped around Tyler while Jenna was handing him tissues.

"What are you even talking about? You didn't screw up anything, Tyler." Jenna whispered, her face sympathetic. Pathetic, Tyler thought. She's just pitying me because she knows. Everyone knows how much I fucked things up.

Josh wiped some of the plump tears from the brunette's cheek. "Hey Jen, can you give us a minute?"

"Sure." she placed the box of tissues on the coffee table in front of the sobbing boy. She went upstairs, and as soon as the sound of the door closing echoed down to the main floor, Joshua turned to his lover and looked him square in the eye.

"What do you mean you screw everything up?" his tone was firm and filled with aggressive determination.

The brunette looked away, crying even harder now. "I don't know-"

Josh placed his hands on the other's shoulders, making Tyler look him straight in the eye. "Tell me."

Through shuttered heaves and small gasps, Tyler closed his eyes for a moment before speaking. "I can't do this anymore."

He watched Joshua's reaction, but it didn't falter so the brunette reluctantly continued. "I don't think that I can be with you anymore."

"Why?" his tone was quieter, but didn't show any signs of heartbreak which made Tyler even more desperate to run and hide forever.

"I don't want to lose this scholarship. I've worked so hard to get this and...my sister, she looks up to me; they all do. I can't let them down. I left them at the times they needed it most for something I claimed I needed. To lose it would be so disappointing to them." Through all of this, the brunette's voice wavered and slowed, his face burning with frustration and fear.

It took a moment before Joshua said anything. "I don't want to lose my job either," he removed his hands from his lover's shoulders and instead ran his hands over his face. "I love my job. It's the only stable job I've had ever. And I want you to be happy too. I want you to be happy with your family and school and your future career..."

The two sat in silence for a while, unsure of what the next move should be. Tyler placed his hand on top of Josh's as a friendly gesture. They avoided each other's eyes, knowing that if they did, they wouldn't be able to unlock the gaze. They'd cry and say that they were just joking, there was no way that they could leave each other.

But those exclamations would be false. They both could feel it inside their chests. Tyler closed his eyes, and for just a millisecond, he could see himself without Josh. It wasn't vivid, like the images he'd had when everything was going well between the two, but it was clear enough to determine he was happy. He was living his dream, getting good grades, learning and excelling.

When Tyler opened his eyes, Josh was looking at him. All of the words he'd wanted to say to the pink haired man he was so infatuated with caught up in his throat.

"Okay?" Joshua asked.

And the brunette didn't know what he meant. Okay as in, was he feeling okay? His mouth was open and no sound was emitting from him except for the quiet hiss he sometimes made when he breathed out of his nose. Or okay as in, 'deal'? Were they officially ending things? Was this how they were going to leave things, practically empty with no real sort of conclusion?

"Okay."

a/n

this is a little bit shit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i'm sorry for the lack of updates !!!!! like always !!!!! but good news or bad news idk there's only like a chapter left and maybe possibly an epilogue only if i don't kinda include that in the last chapter.

alright lovelies i hope ur having a splendid time bc i love u with my whole heart

ALSO- i hope everyone's staying safe during these wild weather times. please try and get to higher grounds and watch the news !! and if ur not in a hurricane spot please please please donate money/supplies to American Red Cross or try and donate ur time if u can. if not then please keep them all in mind and send ur love and support to all the victims.

i love u all so very very much and don't let anyone ever tell u ur not worth it.

stay safe

x- madison.