FINGERTIPS ║ Larry Stylinson

21 ║ Trying To Find A Way-Out

August 21st

When Louis entered the darkness of his room, he didn't bother turning the light on before throwing the luggage on the floor, kicking it to make it slide next to his wardrobe. Home. He was finally home after spending days with his family in Madeira. Don't get him wrong, he loved it. He enjoyed spending a bit more time with his family, doing activities together and visiting the city. He even had a bit of time to go for a run the last couple of mornings. He had felt his body getting more painful after every step he would take but he hadn't stopped. He loved it, the pain in his lungs and the heavy weight on his stomach begging him to stop not to throw up. He did throw up once or twice during his exhausting run under the killing heat of the sun. But he would go back and continue no matter what. But now he was back home, he knew he could have some real time alone in the house. He needed it, he needed to be alone in his room at night just laying there and letting the pain run through his veins. He needed to cry for nothing, just because there was something inside telling him that was the only thing left to do. He brought his phone out of his jean's back pocket before throwing it on the bed. The door was closed, locked and he knew no one would come in. He slid his large and warm hoodie above his head and tossed it on the floor, the cold air of the night hitting his bare chest and brushing his already freezing skin softly. He unbuckled his belt slowly before letting it fall on the ground next to the hoodie. He unbuttoned his trousers and they slid down his pale and skinny thighs and calves before he kicked them off his ankles. After he lifted his covers he laid down in between his white sheets and pale green blanket. It was so cold against his skin, he prayed for it to get warmer soon. Louis grabbed his phone and took a look at the time, 2am. He was exhausted and he knew it wouldn't take long until sleep would come and make him unconscious. The idea of peace and rest made him smile. He needed silence from his own loud voice in his head, pointing out all the wrong things about him. The fat in your thighs jiggle so much when you walk, Your stomach looks so huge and round you look like a 5 months pregnant woman, and it went on and on. Louis sighed as he buried his face in the pillow, wishing the voice would shut up. He was tired, tired of listening to himself listing his flaws and why Harry would never actually love him. It was like sitting on a chair in front of someone who would point out the worst things about you. In the worst way, telling you to change, telling you that even if you changed no one would ever love you anyway. Louis wished he could just draw his body the way he wanted it to be. He would erase his curvy hips to make them straighter, less feminine. He was sick of his round bum, so he would make it smaller, like it wasn't some fit girl's bottom. He would trace abs over his stomach and would make his muscles bigger. He would make his thighs thinner and took the curvy look away. He remembered when his Year 2 teacher asked him and his classmates what they would do if they had a magic wand. Louis had answered he would make his dad come back, now he knew how stupid it was. The last thing he wanted was his dad to come back into his life. But now if someone asked him again, he would probably answer he would use it to change his body, erase everything he hated about it. He would probably choose to be the opposite of himself if he could. He was tired of feeling like the ugly duckling of his family, of his group of friends.

***

The sky was dark and thousands of sparkling stars was spread all over it, Harry could remember. It was vague already, but he could remember the feeling inside when he would lay in the grass and look at the sky in summer nights. This feeling of being the tiniest grain of sand in the universe, surrounded by other billions of grains of sand. All so important and insignificant at the same time. He used to love that, being able to see the world so big all around him. The tallest trees, the oceans spreading endlessly, the sky so high, so clear or so dark. The wind so strong against his body. It had always reminded him of how tiny he was. It had almost helped him not to feel too bad about anything before. Because he knew he was lucky, so lucky to be given the chance to see so many things all around him, the most beautiful things he had ever witnessed. But he wished he had knew that years, months after he would be deprived of this freedom. He had always loved being surrounded by nature, he would always sit in the garden, run in the forest, walk around a lake and just enjoy the colours surrounding him.
He was alone for the night, Anne was invited in their old town by her friend and he had managed to convince his sister to leave with her. He wanted them to have some funny time with their friends. As he had started to feel better, he also started feeling a lot more guilty. He knew he was the only reason for his family to move out. He knew Gemma and their mother had left their friends just for him, and he assumed it had been a really hard time for both of them. Now he was a bit more independent so after about 30 minutes of arguments, they had agreed on leaving him for the night. They were gone for about 4 hours already. So Harry was lying on the sofa, kicking his legs in the air at the pace of the music. He didn't really know why but he had felt like putting Flashdance on TV. So here he was, kicking his legs and arms, singing a bit at the same time. But he was interrupted by two knocks on the front door. At first, the young boy was hesitant, should he really open the door at midnight? It could be anyone, some thief. But he laughed at the thought of a thief knocking at the door before stealing. He stood up and walked slowly toward the door, his bare feet sliding carefully on the cold floor with his hands gliding on the walls and furnitures. He stopped when his fingers found the door. Another two knocks broke the silence, making his heart beat faster.