FINGERTIPS ║ Larry Stylinson

23 ║ Hide Your Feelings

August 29th

His heart was beating faster in his chest, it was so fast and violent behind his ribcage it was getting painful. He was out of breath, his lungs were heavy and his throat was burning. Droplets of sweat was dripping quickly down his back to die on the waist of his sweatpants. He brought his wrist to his forehead to wipe the burning sweat with his sleeve. Louis felt like his empty stomach was bouncing in his body as he kept running under the stifling sun. It was a hot day. One of those Louis hated so much. His body was exhausted, his legs were burning, his chest was heavy, his head was throbbing in pain and it was hard to keep his eyes opened. But he continued. He didn't want to stop, he knew he shouldn't. He had to go through this if he wanted to sculpt the body he needed. No matter if he felt like he was about to pass out. He was a bit away from the town and no one would see him if he collapsed. No one would know where to find him. Would he even want to be found? Louis felt like he wasn't who he used to be anymore. He wasn't helpful nor the useful child anymore, he was a heavy burden on his friends' and family's shoulders. Maybe they would all feel so much better without him.
When he came home, he threw his keys in the bowl on the brown shoe cabinet. He locked the door behind him before walking up to the kitchen quickly. He took a bottle of water from the fridge and drank a bit of it. It felt good as the cold water ran down his burning throat. He could feel the droplets of sweat stream down his back as he climbed the stairs. He took off his sweater as he came into his room and threw it on the bed, kicking his shoes off his feet onto the corner of the room. He started to untie the laces holding the sweatpants tight against his bony hips. Tonight was Liam's birthday party. Liam had invited Harry as well and Louis was nervous. He knew they would have to act like they were nothing more than platonic friends. He knew he would probably want to take his hand and stroke it, or dance with him, kiss him. But he wouldn't be able to. He had warned Harry already. Even though the boy knew Louis' decision and his choice about not telling anyone, Louis was nervous. He could forget, forget there were people all around, forget they were not in their personal secret bubble. He couldn't imagine how his friends would react. They could turn their back to them, think back about their sleepover and imagine ridiculous things. No matter if Zayn had told him it was not a problem, he thought differently. He trusted Zayn, he knew he wouldn't have told anyone because Louis didn't feel like letting them know yet. He supported him. He wasn't confident talking with him about Harry though. He didn't know if he would ever feel confident talking about his homosexual relationship with anyone. Sometimes, when he was all alone with Harry at his house, he would be scared of someone bursting into the room and catching them. He had already wondered how he would react if it happened, but he didn't really know. He would be shocked and scared, terrified even. He would probably try to create some ridiculous excuses that no one would ever believe in.
The party would take place at Liam's flat, Sophia had recently moved in with him and he was really happy for them. There would be a lot of people, probably some Louis had never met before. It was stressful. He wanted to look good, no matter if he knew he would feel the ugliest surrounded by all those guys. Leaving his house and hanging out with people had turned out to be really hard to do recently. He just didn't feel like he could face the world, talk to people about everything. He felt guilty and he would hate himself when Liam would ask him to hang out and he would decline the offer. He was a good friend and he knew he wouldn't turn his back on him or get mad at Louis for this, but he felt like he was letting his friend down, he wasn't really there for him anymore. So when Liam sent him a text telling him there were a party for his birthday, he had hesitated. He didn't know how he would feel. He knew he would compare himself to the other guests and see how better they were. But when Harry got the invitation – God knows where Liam got his phone number – he begged Louis to go. He wanted Louis to go out and try to have fun, he wanted him to forget the pain he was facing, to focus of the little happiness he could get. It had been hard to convince him though. He had put a lot of effort on it. He had promised to never leave his side, not to leave him all alone, he had promised he wouldn't do anything that would make people think they had "a thing". Maybe Louis only accepted for him, maybe he simply wanted to make him happy. He liked seeing Harry smile, the little shining stars in his green eyes. So he said yes. They had to leave for Liam's apartment at 8pm. It was almost 6pm and Louis' family were dining at some of Dan's friends. He grabbed the towel and tied it around his waist before walking back to his room. He wasn't sure what to wear. He knew he wouldn't look half as good as Harry. No matter if many girls would find him attractive, he didn't feel like he was. Next to Harry, he looked ridiculous. Harry could wear a pair of pants made of a trash bag and he would still look amazing. So Louis felt stupid as he threw many pairs of jeans out of his wardrobe onto the bed. They were all pretty similar, dark and supposedly – not anymore – tight. He tried on many outfit, button up shirt and dark blue jeans, black tee-shirt and black jeans. After a while, Louis gave up. Nothing looked good and he just thought nothing would ever look good on him anymore. His eyes were burning as he looked one last time at his reflection. If someone could look at his eyes at this moment, not just see them, but observe them, they would see all the pain. The flow of hate going through his soul as he retained the tears in front of the mirror. He was wearing a simple black pair of jeans, he had rolled them up onto his bony ankles, hid the belt – that stopped it from sliding down his legs – under a white shirt with some black graffiti on it. He had slid on a pair of white Adidas socks and his black vans. He had sprayed deodorant on his chest before putting a large denim jacket on. When he heard the door bell ring he took a quick look at his phone, there were 20 minutes left. He went to open the door and Harry was smiling, showing off his dimples. Gemma smiled at Louis, she unlocked her arm from her brother's one.