Not The Same | Nick Clark | FTWD

Part 3

I raised my head from the steering wheel, pulling out a napkin from the center console as I wiped my tear stained cheeks.

This is why I didn't want to come here-- this is why I didn't want to see him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to believe him again and give him another chance, but I know if I do, it'll be the death of me.

I looked down at the crumpled bill in my hand, quickly wiping my eyes again as I tried to get them to adjust; $50. I let out a long breath, knowing this would pay for much more than just the ride here and back, just hoping that this would be the beginning of my luck changing.

***

As the night came, I found myself tossing and turning, my mind focused on Nick and the conversation we had earlier. I was happy that he was found and hopefully on the road to getting clean, but I knew from experience that it probably wouldn't go the way we want it to-- it never does. It's times like this when I think the best choice for him is to get lost again, to be where he thrives and doesn't have a care in the world about anything.. not even himself. It's not that I didn't want him to get better, I'd honestly do anything to see him clean, but the journey to get there has almost killed him before and I really don't know how much more his body can take.

***

I cleared off the table as my coffee brewed, throwing every bill and anything that looked like one in the trash, knowing that I wouldn't be able to pay them and really just hoping to forget it.

As soon as I took my first sip of coffee, savoring the flavor of artificial happiness, my phone began ringing.
I sighed, putting down the mug before looking at the caller ID; Madison Clark.

"Come on.." I whined, wishing that I wouldn't have gotten myself involved in this again.

"Hello?" I answered, my head leaning into my free hand.

"Hannah? It's Madison--"

"I know, I- I already told Travis I don't want any part of this right now, I'm sorry." I sighed as I went to end the call before pausing, hearing her voice on the line again.

"Wait, please, it's Nick again, he left the hospital and I just need to know if he's at your place." She pleaded.

"No," I let out another sigh, "He's not here, but I'll let you know if he shows up."

"Alright, thank you, hun."

I hung up the phone, sliding it across the table as I shook my head, desperate to get out any negative thoughts that were in it-- any thoughts that involved Nick. I know I thought that leaving again would be the best thing for him but every time he does it, there is a part of me that worries that it will be the last time.

Even with everything Nick and I have been through, and the fact that our last break up was a bit rockier than the others, I'll always have a soft spot for him-- a place in my heart that'll always be waiting for him to come make it whole again. He makes me feel emotions that no one else ever has, whether it be happiness and excitement or sadness and anger, he makes me feel human.. and I hate him for it.
I hate him for putting his family and me through all of this shit, time after time, but still having the ability to make me crawl back to him even when I know I shouldn't.
I'm tired of falling in love with him over and over again just by how the sound of his voice makes me feel, and when I was with him at the hospital yesterday.. I felt it happening again. I felt myself wanting to crawl into the bed with him and run my hand through his hair-- tell him that I love him no matter what when in reality, loving him made me hate myself.

I grabbed my coffee as a tear slipped onto my cheek, quickly brushing it off as the lukewarm liquid touched my lip-- the temperature as off putting as the pain in my chest.

My heart always outweighed my mind, in terms of power, and because of that, all I wanted right now was to be with Nick-- using or not.
It hurt me to love him but that pain is all I craved.