Heartland

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen: Coping.

It has been a week since we buried Bria. I hadn't gotten back on a horse since the accident. Everyone I knew went to the funeral. Maisie was upset too. She had just lost her sister. I didn't blame her. Ty was a wreck. He didn't have any time to grieve because of his busy schedule. One of these days he was going to break. Lou and Peter have been so busy with Katie.

Today was the day. I was going to try and get back on a horse. I was kind of like Spirit. He wouldn't saddle. He doesn't want to saddle and I don't want to get back in the saddle. When I woke up Ty had already left, Maisie was out jumping on Chance with Mallory, and everyone else was doing their everyday thing. I got my dull mini pocket knife and cut myself three times. They barely bled. I just needed to release the pain. I put on a flannel shirt and my jeans with my bejeweled belt and my Sky belt buckle.

I went downstairs and saw Amy brushing Spartan.
"Hey," she said sympathetically.
"Hi," I replied. I went to Spirit's stall and led him to the round pen. I started running him around the pen to get him to join up. He would join up if I stopped but this was helping me with my urges. I wanted to break down and cry. Spirit kept running. I couldn't ride him even if I could I didn't want to. A horse killed my daughter.

I let Spirit into the pasture with the other horses. I noticed Sky was in the pasture. Caleb had just let all the barn horses out. He just walked back out of the barn.
"What the hell is my horse doing in the pasture?" I asked him as I approached him.
"You haven't ridden her. No one has. She needed some air," he replied. Jack came into the barn lugging a sack of feed. He said,
"He's right Tara."
"Why don't you just get on the horse?" Caleb asked. I ignored his stupid question and stormed off through the barn and up to the loft. I laid on my bed and cried myself to sleep:

A few hours later I walked downstairs and out to the practice pasture. I stood and watched Mallory give Maisie a jumping lesson. Maisie looked so good jumping the little jumps. She would be upset when I told her she would start preschool again tomorrow. Amy will start her senior year of high school, I had officially graduated from an online academy. Every free moment I had, I was doing school work. And now I'm free from the burden that is school.

Maisie had finished her lesson and rode Chance out of the pasture.
"Hi mommy," she greeted.
"Hey baby," I replied.
"We should go for a ride," she suggested.
"I'm not feeling up to it," I told her.
"Okay mommy," she replied, I could see she was disappointed. I was walking back to the barn when Ty pulled in. He got out of his truck and waved at me, I noticed he had bags under his eyes.
"Back so soon?" I asked.
"Scott wanted me to come and sleep," he replied. I could see the depression and exhaustion in his eyes.
"Yeah, let's get you to bed," I said.

After I helped Ty relax and fall asleep, I went inside the house where I saw Lou feeding Katie.
"Hey," I greeted.
"Hi Tara," she replied sympathetically.
"Everyone can stop acting like that now," I said as I went to the fridge and got a bottle of water.
"I'm sorry. I know you're strong and you don't need our sympathy." She replied.
"It's just that, whenever someone looks at me they only see a self harmful, depressed, slut who has gotten pregnant twice and she's not even 18," I said, Lou looked shocked.
"That's not what I see," she admitted.
"What do you see?" I asked. She smiled, came towards me, and put her hand on my shoulder.
"I see a strong teenage mother who's been to hell and back. A girl whose been through the worst life could throw at someone and still somehow manages to keep afloat," she replied.
"Thanks Lou," I said with tears in my eyes.
"You're welcome, now go put your ass in a saddle!" she exclaimed with tears in her eyes as well. I hugged her on my way out of the house.

I went to the pasture and Sky approached me.
"Hey girl," I cooed as I slipped a lead rope onto her halter. I led her the the barn and saddled her with her English riding tack. I led her out to the practice ring. I put all the jumps to four feet. I even did a couple of cross rails to change it up a bit. I stood beside Sky and had my hands on her back as if I were about to mount her. She looked back at me and nudged me. I laughed and pulled myself up. I sat perfectly on her and looked around. I saw Amy and Mallory watching from the barn, Lou and Jack watching from the house, and Ty and Maisie watching from the loft. I kicked Sky to the perfect pace and soared over the first jump. She executed each jump with perfection. When we finished I noticed everyone came up to the fence. Lou had a smile on her face bigger than anyone else's. I turned Sky and ran the course again.