Marauders Mistakes (blackinnon)

part forty

During the month that both Marlene and Sirius were gone, it was quiet. It was hard to not have their loud, argumentative, fun, loving friends around.

Mary was gone again, back to her quiet muggle life in hiding, leaving Emmeline lost again. She couldn't stay calm, knowing Mary could just leave like that was worse somehow, because for the first time Lily realised that Emmeline knew she loved Mary more than Mary loved her. That was hard to watch.

Peter was still working at St Mungos in his spare time, slaving away helping those hurt in the war that they didn't start. He did over time and then some. But he insisted he was fine. So nobody pushed the matter. But it was hard to watch Pete push himself over the edge to help others. 

Remus and Doe were in a rough patch. Doe wanted to meet his family. Remus refused. Remus wanted to move in. Doe wasn't sure. They were wobbling about, unsure of what they were doing, in limbo. Not quite ready to make the commitment. Too scared about the war to break up, and too scared about how they felt for each other to leave it all behind. But both unsure about moving forward at 18. So they were wobbling, apart one week, together the next. Not broken up, not living together. Loving each other in the war that pushed them together and was tearing them apart. It was hard to watch. 

Lily got in after an order meeting one evening to find James with tears streaming down his face. His hands were shaking and he looked like he'd seen a ghost. 

"Hey hey hey.. Whats wrong?" Lily asked, dropping her bags and rushing over to him. 

"They're gone." He mumbled. "We are in a war against the darkest wizard of all time and they're gone." 

Lily hardly ever saw James cry, but his voice was shaky and his eyes were sad. 

She picked up the letter, the one on the coffee table in front of him and quickly read it. 

It was the one he had received during their last term of Hogwarts. The one that told him his parents had died. 

"In a wizarding war and they're gone. Everyone's gone. What are we gonna do Lils?"

Lily wasn't sure in that moment if he was talking about just his parents, or if he was talking about everyone. But she had since wondered if James was referring to Sirius and Marlene, alongside his parents. 

"We, are going to breathe. And live for right now. Okay?" She swallowed back the tears, seeing James like this wasn't easy. "We are going to fight for what's right, for those who can't. We are going to put on a brave face, because if we don't he might win. And we can't have that."

"But.."

"No buts." Lily had tears rolling down her cheeks now too. "I know its hard. But the minute we give in he wins."

"He's already taken so much." James mumbled looking into Lily's green eyes. Lily nodded. 

"Yeah he has. That's all the more reason." James scanned her face, looking for a weakness. 

"How'd you do it?" 

"Because if we don't do it, who will?" Lily replied rather sadly. 

That was hard to watch for both Lily and James. 

That thought echoed through James' head over the next few weeks, how wise his wife was, how she had taken on the immense task of protecting all of their friends, yet half of their friends didn't know it. 

And on the next full moon, when Pete was working, and Sirius was still missing it left James and Remus alone. And they sat waiting that evening, feeling depleted in numbers. 

"What are we going to do Moony?" James asked quietly.

"Fuck knows." Moony muttered, eating some more chocolate. "Wish I had some answers right now."

James nodded. 

"I want Padfoot and Wormtail back."

Remus nodded. 

"And Marlene."

James nodded.

"And Mary."

Remus nodded. 

"I want everything to go back to normal."

James nodded. 

They were silent for a while after that, imagining the worst.

"Moony?"

"Yeah Prongs?"

"What if they don't come back?.. Ever?"

"They will. Surely."

Remus would remember their conversation in the years to come, when one of his friends would go anywhere, and some came back and some didn't. It was hard every single time.