Not Ashamed

'Chapter Eight ✓×

I leave Johnathans room after that, letting him calm down alone. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I don't have a lot of experience with crying friends, so I just assumed that, like when I'm upset, he wants to be alone.

Unfortunately, I have to go back to mine and Axel's dormroom. All my clothes are there, so it'd be best if I at least stopped by.

I open the door quietly, hoping he's still asleep. I find him in the dark, his head covered by both of his arms on his desk, his breathing steady. Definitely asleep.

I can't see anything in the dark, and I'm afraid I'll wake him if I turn on the light, so I try to creep over to the dresser quietly--

And end up knocking over something big, making a loud bang. Axel barely stirs.

"You could have turned on the light, you know," he says. I sigh, reaching over and flicking on the light switch to expose a stack of books that I had knocked onto the floor.

"Sorry," I mumble.

"No problem," he turns around in his chair, rubbing his eyes. "You didn't wake me. I wasn't sleeping."

I mutter an "okay" and pick back up the books, returning them to their place on the dresser.

"Where were you all night?"

Without looking at him, I reply, "Johnathans dorm."

"Johnathans?" I nod. "I didn't think you two were friends."

"We are."

"I've never seen you two talk."

"Well, we have."

He holds up his hands in surrender. "Fair enough. Are you coming to the theatre room with me? We're all going to exchange party stories."

"No," I answer a little too quickly. "I have studying to do. Test tomorrow."

"Oh yeah, I must've forgot. Sorry."

I shrug in response, taking a pair of jeans and a hoodie out from my dresser and walking into the bathroom. I get changed quickly and slip out of the room before I have another awkward encounter with Axel.

Why did he have to kiss me? Why didn't I push him off the second he came close? Why is he all I've been able to think about?

Exasperatedly, I walk up and down the halls, trying not to stare at the passed out drunk kids laying against the walls, or the decorations and alcohol bottles strewn around the floor.

I find the only hallway that's completely devoid of any garbage, or knock-out drunks, and sit down, hoping I can hide away. I keep thinking about that kiss. What did it mean to me? Did it mean anything?

I hope not.

It's hard to constantly want to be someone else. To be in another persons shoes, and deal with their problems instead of your own. I know it's silly. "The grass is always greener," and all that rubbish, but I can't help but look at a picture of a happy little artist, or a kid with fully supportive parents, I feel jealous.

And jealousy is an ugly emotion. Especially on me.

I hear footsteps approaching, and try to scooch further into the corner of the room. Good idea, Finn, I think bitterly, you're practically invisible now that you're closer to the corner.

Blake walks into the hallway and finds me sat in the corner. He tilts his head to the side and opens his mouth to speak tentatively.

"We were all looking for you," he says, and luckily his voice is as low as I'd like it to be.

"Is Axel with you?" I ask, my voice lower more than it should be. Blake takes an awkward step closer to hear me.

"Um, yes."

"Don't tell him you saw me. Please."

Blake stares at me for a second before nodding and leaving the hallway silently.

I sigh and stand. I can't hide forever.