Not Ashamed

'Chapter Ten ✓×

Peaking in through the doorway of the theatre room, I find my heart beating out of my chest. I watch for a moment as no one notices me. All their focuses are on Axel, as they should be. Axel seems animated. He gestures wildly, laughing about some crazy story that I know is a million times more interesting because he's telling it. If I told a story like one of his, it'd be boring and seemingly uneventful. Axel can make anything seem exciting.

I find Johnathan watching me. He gestures for me to come in, but I shake my head. I barely catch Axel turning to look at me before I turn on my heel and leave the building. I return to our dorm room and sit on my bed, holding my head in my hands.

You've got to get a hold of yourself, Finn! You have to focus on school, and becoming a lawyer, and being who your parents want you to be!--

No, you are who your parents want you to be. You can't afford to be anyone else.

The last person I want to see turns up.

Axel walks in, his usual smile off his face.

"Finn, you're avoiding me," he says, and it's obviously not a question. I roll my eyes at him.

"What are you talking about?" I ask dumbly. Axel huffs.

"Don't act like you don't know," he replies. "You're upset with me."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are!" He insists. "I'm not sure, but I'm guessing it has something to do with me kissing you last night."

I feel my face go red, but I try and play it off as if I know nothing of this. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I know you do. You and I both know what happened. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away."

I begin to get overwhelmed, feeling my breathing catch in my throat. No. I don't want to talk about this. I can't talk about this. "Leave me alone, Axel."

"No! I want to talk! I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, but I know you feel at least a fraction of what I do."

"Leave me alone!" I shout.

"Just listen to me, Finn! For five minutes, just listen--"

"No, Axel! You don't know how I feel. Just leave. Me. Alone."

Axel runs a hand through his hair. "Finn, I like you. I know you like me, you have to stop lying to yourself."

"I don't know what you're talking about. You have no idea what I feel. You can't just come in here and demand that I listen to your bullshit because none of it is true." I stand up, not knowing exactly where I'm going, but knowing I have to leave. Axel catches my arm before I can go anywhere. The butterflies that fill my stomach when he touches me makes me pull my arm away from him roughly.

"And if you tell one person about what happened, I will kill you."

Axel takes a step back, his eyes trailing across my face.

"Finn, please..."

I leave the room, slamming the door behind me. I feel scared, shaken.

The thing that makes me the most frightened is that what Axel said is spot on. I do like him. And it scares the shit out of me.