Not Ashamed

'Chapter Twelve ✓×

Johnathan tells me to leave, that he wants to be alone. I don't question him, just tell him that if he needs me, I'll be there for him.

I return to mine and Axel's room, aching and paining from my fight with Peter. Peter's strong, no doubt.

Axel is awake when I get to the room. He's watching Netflix at his desk, but he pauses it when he hears the door shut behind me.

"Geez, I thought you were never coming back. I was waiting up so I could lock the door." He chuckles to himself as he turns around in his chair, and gasps when he sees me. "Oh my god, what happened?" He stands, getting a closer look at the bruises forming on my face. Thanks, Peter.

"Geez, you look like you got hit by a train! You're bleeding!"

I never noticed. Where could I possibly be bleeding? What, is Peter a mobster with rings on his fingers just so he can cut up whoever he punches?

"Who did this to you? And, holy crap, you reek of beer! How much did you drink?"

All of his questions go in one ear and out the other. All I can think about is the adrenaline pumping in my veins, and the alcohol that I'm going to blame for every incident so far up to this point. But right now, this is all me. Alcohol has nothing to do with how I feel now. Johnathan was right. That kiss wasn't for him.

I step closer to Axel quickly, fast enough to make sure I don't change my mind, and connect our lips.

Kissing Axel is different from kissing Johnathan, and now, its way different from the kiss I had with Axel before. This one is... perfect, to say the least. As cliche as it sounds, kissing him is like breathing after being held under water. Kissing him is like waking up in your peaceful bed after a horrible nightmare.

All I want to do is kiss him. And maybe, that's all I will do from now on.

...

I wake up the next morning with the worst migraine, and a pain in my nose and eye. I groan and roll over, hiding under my pillow. My phone rings, making my head pound. I pick it up and answer it without looking at the ID.

"Yes?" I mutter.

"Cheery hello to you too!" I hear my sister, Hollys, overly perky voice say in the phone. I quickly turn down the volume before speaking.

"Hey, Holly. Need something?"

"No no, I just wanted to say hi! Well, that and tell you not to come to Thanksgiving this year."

"What? Why not?" I sit up tentatively, scratching my head. I notice Axel in the corner of the room, fixing his hair and watching me curiously. I nod to him, as a way of greeting.

"Well, I just think you need time away from the family, and besides you probably have a lot of work to do--"

"Holly, tell me honestly. Did dad tell you to ask me not to come?"

Axel raises an eyebrow at my side of the conversation. I turn away from him so he can't see my face.

Holly sighs. "Yes. Please don't hate me."

I huff. Wow, just woke up and I'm already exhausted. I close my eyes, trying to force a positive note into my tone.

"I could never hate you. He's right. Staying at the university is probably best for me. Send them my love."

"Sure. Talk soon!" She makes two kissing sounds as her way of saying goodbye and hangs up. I drop my phone and pull a hand through my hair. I let out a shaky breath and throw the phone away from me, letting it hit the wall and fall to the ground with the sound of breaking glass.

"Finn? What's wrong?" Axel asks.

"I hate him! I hate, hate, hate that man!" I scream. Axel stands and walks over beside me, laying a hand on my shoulder that I shrug off. "He sucks, he's so terrible and controlling and... and..." I try to keep all my frustrated tears in my eyes, but a couple spill out that I rub away a little too hard to have been punched last night. "I hate him! And I hate that no matter what, I can never just accept who I want to be! It's all about him! What he wants me to be! What he thinks is best! Well, screw him!"

I drop my head into my hands and cough to hide a sob.

"Finn, why do you care what he thinks?" Axel asks carefully. I laugh bitterly.

"I wish I could tell you, but I don't have an answer. I keep thinking, don't be a disappointment, don't be a disappointment, but the thing is, I already am. I started when I was seven and ran from the soccer field after he spent weeks to get me on the team. Since I started drawing twenty four/seven. Since I crushed on my high school best friend. Since I started hiding who I was from the both of them." I shake my head at myself. "I've been a disappointment since the start."

"Stop that, you're not a disappointment."

"Yes, I am. It doesn't matter, anyway. I won't have to see them. He doesn't want me to come home."

"He doesn't..." Axel trails off in innocent disbelief. "Well, to hell with him! You'll come with me for Thanksgiving! Meet my family!"

I turn around to argue--one kiss doesn't mean I meet the family--but he smiles and shakes his head.

"No, not as my boyfriend. As my friend. What do you think?"

I take a breath out, and the steadiness of it is enough for me to nod.

"Sure. Sounds... fun."