Not Ashamed

'Chapter twenty two ×

"Stay still!" I laugh, pencil poised in my hand, sketchpad sitting on my lap. Axel wiggles for a second, despite the million times I've told him to stay still.

"I'm sorry, but I'm getting tired of sitting like this!" He whines. I roll my eyes playfully, instruct him to stay again, and continue to try and draw him.

So far, I have the background--a Broadway stage--and the basic outline, but every time he moves it gets a little harder for me to draw him. He's very fidgety, and normally I'd be able to draw a person from memory, but Axel is special, and I want to get him just right.

"How long will this take? I'm lazy."

"You're sitting."

"Sitting is tiring."

I grin, adding details like hair and clothes before moving on to his face. I make sure to give him a big grin, and sparkling eyes. I lay the sketchbook at my side so I can reach across the bed to my desk, where the coloured pencils I had recently bought sit in their box.

"Are you done?" Axel asks. I look up at him and smile.

"I'm done the sketch, yes."

Axel jumps up and sits beside me on my bed, laying his head on my shoulder and looking at the picture.

"Oh my goodness, it's me!" He squeals. He cuddles closer to me and I turn to kiss him on the head before I continue colouring. I make sure to get every colour perfect, holding select pencils like the skin tone and colour of his eyes up to his face to see which one matches. It's not long before the picture is done, and I'm looking with pride at my drawing.

Axel grins widely.

"Aww, I'm so cute! Cartoon Axel is adorable!"

"Normal Axel is adorable too," I can't help but say.

"I love you, you talented idiot." He kisses me softly, smirking and hopping off the bed. "Okay, I'm off. Peter is coming home today, and he still isn't doing well after his and Johnathans breakup. I'll be back soon."

"Okay. I should go see if Johnathan is home yet, anyway."

We go our separate ways, and I go to Johnathans room.

Christmas came and went, and though my parents have tried to call me many times, the subject of what happened on Christmas Eve disappeared all except for the confessions of love. I hope he never thinks of that night, unless he's just thinking of our first "I love you"s.

I knock on Johnathans door and he opens it, as per usual.

"I have to talk to you," he says. I raise an eyebrow but nod, stepping inside.

"Whats up?" I ask. Johnathan shuts the door behind me, leaning up against it.

"I'm really confused, Finn. I don't know what to do anymore, what to think."

"What happened? Last time I saw you you were perfectly fine, even with Peter resurfacing."

"I don't know, I've had a dangerous amount of time to think." He huffs, sitting down. "I hate Peter, don't I? I mean, he was terrible. Am I remembering this whole relationship wrong? I miss him."

"Johnathan, he treated you like garbage. It's normal for you to miss him, you love him, and you were with him for a while, but now that it's over, it's best that you try and stay away at least until the wound is closed. Right now you're vulnerable, you want him back because it's not normal for you to be without him. When you're craving him, just call me, or go to Chloe, or Margo, or even Axel, anyone but him. As good as late night I miss you, what happened to us? calls sound, they're completely and utterly wrong."

"I know, but when I saw him before... when he came to the door, I just wanted everything to be fixed and perfect. I just went back to the boy in the back of the theatre room, begging every god he knew for his boyfriend to love him back. And, I thought that without him, I could go back to the person I was before I met him, but that person is so far gone. Peter took that person from me. Now, I have no idea who I am."

I pause for a moment, looking for something to say to make him feel better, but before I can, he sighs and says, "Okay, enough about me. How's Axel?"

"Good... I think."

"You think?"

"Well, my parents were quite cruel to him, and he seemed to not be bothered. I hope he isn't taking anything they said to heart."

"Axel is strong. He's going to be okay."

I nod. He's right, Axel is strong. I'm not nearly that strong. I let those people walk all over me and hate myself for years, but Axel is different. Axel is perfect. He has no reason to feel bad about himself.