Not Ashamed

'Chapter Eighteen ✓×

The burden of looking for Peter was bestowed upon me. Blake has been little help, keeping himself busy with school work and refusing to help me. Chloe told me to let him go, having known what happened between him and Johnathan and holding a nice grudge. Axel hasn't left our room, hasn't left his bed, and Margo has spent every moment at his side.

Johnathan has no idea what's happening. He's completely out of the loop, which is a relief for me. I don't want him to know.

I've talked to everyone I could think of. Peters classmates, professors, his parents and friends back home. No one knows where he is.

I called nearby hotels and inns, asking if someone checked in under his name, but I've heard nothing.

After a stressful day of classes, then random calls from people I don't remember calling telling me that they haven't seen Peter, but they'll get back to me if they do, I make it back to me and Axel's dorm.

I find him where I left him this morning, sitting in his bed, staring at his hands. I sigh as I drop my backpack and walk over to sit beside him.

"Axel, baby, have you left bed at all today?" I ask gently. Pet names have become my best friend since Axel fell into this state of devastation. It's a gentler way for me to talk to him, and he seems to respond better to it.

He shakes his head sadly, turning so he can bury his head in my shoulder.

"What about classes? Did you do any of the work I got from your professors?"

He shakes his head again, making me sigh.

"Axy, you can't just stop going to classes. I know you're upset, but I'm sure Peter is fine, and your life can't pause because he's gone."

He wraps his arms around me, so I wrap my arms around him, kissing his forehead.

"You've been so helpful, and I've been such a wreck. You're wonderful. I'm sorry this has all been forced on you." His voice is quiet and raspy, probably from crying over his missing friend. I feel for him. He loves Peter, he's known him forever, and my personal feelings aside, I really do hope we find him.

"It's okay, I don't mind. And, Axel," I put my hand on his cheek, turning his head so he's looking at me. "He'll be fine."

He smiles weakly, giving me a kiss before hiding in my shoulder again.

...

Johnathans POV

Everyone's been acting strangely, even Finn. It seems like he's never around. No ones around. It's weird, because with this group of people, there's usually always something going on.

I'm sitting in my room, book on my lap, trying to buckle down and finish the novel I started months ago. Before Peter, I read a lot, but he always wanted to go somewhere, or do something so I never had time to read while I was with him.

I close the book with a sigh. Something has changed within me. I can't focus on anything these days. It's like Peter is stuck in my brain. He's left his footprint on my heart, and I haven't the slightest idea how to wash it off.

There's a knock at the door and I excitedly jump to my feet. Please be Finn. I'm going crazy by myself!

I swing the door open, and find the last person I would expect.

Peter stands in front of me, his usually perfect hair messy, his clothes a pair of thick grey sweatpants and a hoodie. There's tear stains on his cheeks, his eyes bloodshot and red.

"Peter? What are you doing here?" Seeing him again, my heart is beating so loud it's pounding in my ears. I pray he can't hear it.

"H-hey, Johnny. I just... I had to see you. I-I missed you. You're just so great and I... I love you so much. I can't live without you by my side."

"Peter..." He's getting to me. I can't let him in again, I can't let him take over my life. I step aside, letting him into the room. "Peter, I won't lie and say I don't love you too, but I can't be with you. Not again. It was a toxic relationship, and we were both unhappy."

"I wasn't unhappy. I love you, I loved every moment I had with you."

"You didn't show it."

He sighs. He looks tired, purple under his eyes, his skin pale. I feel so bad for him, but I can't fall for this. I have to stay strong.

"Johnny, please. You love me, I love you, what's there to think about? We should be together. We have to be together, we belong with each other."

He reaches out to take my hand, but I pull it away. The hurt in his eyes crushes me.

"Peter, please leave. I can't see you right now. It didn't work out between us, just let me go."

"No! I refuse to believe you feel nothing for me! You still love me! You have to!"

I step away from him, shaking my head. I feel my facade falling away. Of course I still love him! I'll probably always love him! But I can't be with him. I hate him.

No, you don't, a voice says in my head. You love him with all your heart. Why would you give that up when he's offering you the same thing?

"I don't... I can't see you right now. I need you to leave. We've had our time, but it's over now. I suggest you accept it and move on."

Peter opens his mouth to speak, but closes it and decides against it. He takes a deep breath before he tries again.

"Johnny, I lov--"

"I'm sorry. Please go."

His lip begins to shake, but he nods weakly and turns on his heel, leaving the room. My heart is beating painfully against my ribcage. As I hear his footsteps descending down the hall, I fall on my knees, tears streaming out of my eyes, violent sobs wracking my body.

Oh no. I love him.