Not Ashamed

'Chapter Twenty Nine ×

Things get more... ordinary. I keep busy.

I help Bailey with summer reading assignments, and painting the walls. I lend Mia a hand in the kitchen when she needs it, and I assist William with house work. I even spend my time practicing lines with Axel. I definitely don't give myself enough time to think, but I didn't think much before graduation anyway.

I haven't really heard from many people from Daring, but then again, my phone has been turned off since June.

I haven't felt too sad or depressed, however, things change.

...

This morning, when I woke up, the sun was already streaming through the windows. The thin curtains are doing nothing to stop the sun from burning my eyes.

Axel is already awake and gone, which never happens. I'm always up before him, doing something to distract myself and make myself useful. Not this morning. This morning, I don't feel like I can get up.

I get in this mood sometimes, but it hasn't happened in a while. It feels like I'm stuck in a void, my arms and legs tied to the bed. I feel like my limbs are made of sand, so heavy I can't move.

I peer over at the clock, seeing it's one o'clock pm. I've slept past noon. I never sleep past noon.

I don't feel sad, but I definitely don't feel happy. I feel empty, yet I also feel like I'm filled with led.

Axel walks into the room, dressed and seemingly happy. Then he sees me.

"Finn? You're still in bed? That's... extremely unlike you."

I don't reply, or, I don't hear myself say anything. He sits beside me and puts a hand on my forehead.

"You don't have a fever," he confirms. "You look sick, baby."

Again, I say nothing. I don't feel like I can open my mouth. My eyes drift down until I'm staring at the floorboards and the shadow our bodies are casting on them.

"Do you feel okay?"

I debate lying. Nodding my head, getting up, dragging myself across the floor. But, I can't do it. I can't pretend I'm okay, because I'm not okay. Something is wrong. Something has always been wrong.

I shake my head, then bury my head in my pillow. Axel hugs into me, kissing me on the forehead. It does nothing to help me. Usually, it does, but today, I just feel numb.

"Do you want me to get you anything?"

"No," I mumble. Axel sighs, pulling back a little from the hug.

"You have to eat something."

I insist I do not, and Axel finally gives in, but comes back a minute later with a glass of water and an apple.

I don't touch either.

I just lay there, ignoring the clock as time clicks away, staring at the floor.

...

After hours of trying to get to sleep, I finally pass out, only to wake up past noon once again.

Axel is here, slipping a button up shirt on his bare shoulders and buttoning it. He turns to me, smiling somewhat sympathetically.

"Hey. Mom, dad and I are going to town. Want to come?" He asks.

Quietly, I mutter, "No, thanks."

He nods slowly, looking quite disappointed. "Well, Bailey is here. She's just downstairs if you need her, okay?"

I roll over to stare out the window blankly. Axel leaves, and minutes later, I hear the car pulling out of the driveway.

My stomach grumbles, and I decide that maybe I should eat something. The apple Axel brought me yesterday he must have put back, because the full glass of water is still there, but the apple is not. I push the covers off me slowly, my limbs still heavy and my head still swimming in the dark void.

I swing my legs off the side and force myself to stand. I don't bother to pat down my hair, but with Bailey downstairs, I do make the effort of pulling a shirt over my torso.

I trudge down the stairs and into the kicthen, but I don't even look in the cupboards. I lean against the counter, looking at the old, chipped nail polish on my fingernails. After graduation, I never sat down and let him paint them. I guess I never had a chance.

The blue on the edge of my nails brings me back to that moment in my parents house on Christmas. Shouting at them, telling them I was who I was, and I would love who I love. The colour triggered something in my mind that made the frozen gears start to grind through the numbness. I scraped at the colour, trying to get rid of it, trying to free myself from its memories.

I fall on my butt on the ground, and it doesn't hurt, but I start to cry. Tears leave my eyes and stream down my cheeks and neck. I cover my face with my hands, feeling my throat burn with choked sobs.

Footsteps approach, and I look up to see Bailey, her hair pushed back with a headband, wearing a hoodie and a pair of jeans shorts. She looks taken aback when she sees me, and I feel ashamed of what I've become. However, if she is weirded out, or awkward to see a grown man crying on the floor of her kitchen, she doesn't let on. She rushes over and hugs me, and it takes me a surprised moment to hug back.

"It'll be okay, Finn," she tells me. "You're safe here."