Not Ashamed

'Chapter Thirteen ✓×

The trip to Albany isn't bad. It's a smooth ride with plenty of entertainment. The bad part, however, is being stuck alone with Axel.

All I can do is think back to Halloween. Well, I can't exactly ignore it. I'm pretty sure Peter broke my nose.

Johnathan hasn't been around much. Before I left, he talked to me a bit about how much he appreciated me standing up for him, and about how he should have broken up with Peter before.

"Thank you so much, Finn," he had said. "Peters a jerk. I should have broken up with him when I wanted to at that student dorm party in September."

"He didn't deserve you," I replied honestly. Luckily, me and Johnathan didn't react like me and Axel to a kiss. We just talked about it. He said it meant something to him, but he doesn't like me like that. I completely agreed.

Axel pulls me up the driveway of his old family home. It's big, not big in a mansion type of way, but cozy and big enough for a big family.

He knocks excitedly. Obviously he has a different home life than me. The door opens, revealing a woman with Auburn hair and blue eyes. She squeals happily when she sees Axel and pulls him into a tight hug. I make a mental note of the scene, wanting badly to lock it into history on a sheet of sketch paper.

When she pulls away, she gives him a loving smile.

"Let me look at you! Oh, my little college man!" She says cheerily. She is practically bouncing with joy. After a moment, she calms herself down enough to let us inside and shut the door.

"You must be Finn. Welcome to our home!" She says happily. I reach out my hand to shake hers but she pulls me into a hug, trapping my arms at my sides. Axel laughs.

"Mom, don't suffocate him! He'll never come back!"

She pulls away, still smiling. I sheepishly smile back.

"Thank you for letting me come. I hope I'm not ruining your holiday," I mutter. Mrs Tomas looks almost offended.

"Nonsense! The more the merrier! Holidays are a time for family, and you're part of our family now!" She turns to Axel. "Axel, show your friend around a bit."

"Okay."

Axel smiles, grabbing my arm and pulling me upstairs.

"Sorry about her. She's a little over the top," he says shyly. I grin.

"Don't worry about it. She's super nice. My mother's not nearly that nice."

"Well, my mom has plenty of love to go around. She'll probably give you some in a goodie bag to take home."

I chuckle.

"Anyway, my whole families going to be all over you this whole weekend. They've been bugging me about my college boyfriend that they won't believe doesn't exist. I hope you don't mind them assuming."

At the mention of "boyfriend" I stiffen a little. I mean, mutual feelings and multiple kisses mean little more than friends, but me and Axel aren't close to a relationship just yet. But, that's not what he means. That's not even related to what he's talking about.

"I don't mind," I say, placing a grin on my face. Axel looks awkward for a moment, like he also got unnerved by the mention of boyfriend. The both of us are really good at overthinking.

"Sorry," he mumbles. I laugh a little, looking away.

"Don't be. I just like to think until my brain hurts."

"Yeah yeah, Mr Smarty-Pants Lawyer. Ready for the grand tour?"

He shows me around the house. His old bedroom, which is still perfectly in tact. Posters from a bunch of different plays. La La Land, Moonlight, Funny Girl, Wicked. And famous actors like Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt. His duvet has blue and orange zig zags on it, and there's boxes of collectable action figures and such. He was definitely a dorky kid, which is adorable.

He shows me the rec room as well. It has stacks of books ranging from Diary Of A Wimpy Kid to elaborate scripts. He has stands for sheet music and a red guitar and a slim keyboard piano. The house is a creative wonderland. I even saw a drawing table, not a crappy one like the one I bought at a yard sale when I was younger, but a proper one.

"Axel! You're home!" I hear a shriek and find a small girl in a pink dress running toward Axel. She collides with him, wrapping her arms around him. Her hair is blonde, but not curly like Axel's. It's stick straight, and shaved at one side. It's boy short, fringe wisped across her forehead. As she pulls away from Axel, I notice a pink glittery necklace hanging from her neck.

"Bailey! Holy cow, you've gotten so tall! And so good with a makeup brush, may I add," Axel comments lovingly. I gush at the scene. I'm the youngest in my family, and I was never looked at with as much affection and amusement as Axel is looking at this precious little girl. "You are getting too old! Be seven again! Be seven again!"

She giggles, but right after, she self consciously turns around to look at me. "Are you Axel's boyfriend?"

My face goes red and Axel laughs.

"No, no he's not. Finn, this is Bailey. Bailey, this is my friend Finn."

Bailey sticks out a hand and I shake it. "Lovely to meet you."

"You too." I pull my hand back, admiring her politeness.

"Bailey! Would you come upstairs for a second?" I hear Mrs Tomas call from upstairs. Bailey turns and runs back upstairs.

I look to Axel.

"She's absolutely adorable," I comment. Axel nods.

"She is, isn't she? She's grown up so much, and it's only been three months since I saw her last. For Halloween, she looked so cute. Mom sent me a picture of her and her school friends. She was Danny Zuko and they had the pretty girl gang and the greasers. It was adorable."

"Wait, she was Danny?"

Axel smacks his forehead with his palm. "Oh yeah. Bailey is gender fluid."

I pause. "Gender fluid?" I repeat. Axel tilts his head.

"Never heard of it? Didn't you learn about any of this in school?"

"In my school you'd get beaten to a pulp if you wore pink. I don't hear about any different gender identities."

Axel chuckles, giving me a shy look of pity. "Well, it means some days she feels like a boy and sometimes she feels like a girl. Somtimes she feels like both, and other times she feels like neither. That necklace tells you the correct pronouns for how she feels. I got it for her when she was ten. Fourteen and she still wears it. Wow.

"Anyway, when its pink, it's she/her, blue it's he/him, and white it's they/them. Luckily, however, it's usually easy to tell because of how she dresses except when it's they/them because she doesn't wear any gender specific clothes."

I take a deep breath. Oh no. I'm going to offend this poor child at some point this weekend and make her upset. I know I am. I'm an idiot, how the hell will I remember all of this?!

"Hey," Axel says, noticing my panic and unconsciously taking my hands in his. "Don't worry about it. And, she lets people say they/them instead all the time. It's either or most of the time so it's fine. And she doesn't get offended easily so if you do mess it up, correct yourself and move on. Don't draw attention to it."

I exhale probably harder than I should and nod.

"Thanks."

I look down at our interlocked hands for a moment, feeling awkward but happy. Axel self consciously pulls his hands back.

"Sorry."

As if to tell him "it's okay", I lean forward and kiss him on the lips, like a reflex.

When I pull back, he's smiling, but he has a distant look. Like there's something else on his mind.

"Um, Finn, maybe we should talk about--"

"Axel!" Bailey's voice cuts off the rest of the sentence. "Dad's home!"

We exchange a glance before we both move to go upstairs, leaving the ending of his sentence floating in the air.