Not Ashamed

'Chapter Nine ✓×

I return to my room, happy to find it empty. I exhale in relief, shaking my head and trying to clear it of any thoughts. I sit down at my desk, opening my book and blankly staring at it. My mind won't focus, as usual. This time, however, I can only focus on last night. My heart thumps so loudly that I can't hear myself reading in my head. I pick up my phone, scrolling through names for someone to talk to so I can procrastinate.

I find no one. No one at all. Not a single person I'd like to talk to. I'd call Johnathan, but he was upset today, and I don't want to make him more upset. I'd call Chloe, but I know she's with Axel, and as much as part of me desperately wants to see him, I'm avoiding him. Hopefully forever.

Forever lasts five minutes.

Axel opens the door and walks in. He says nothing to me at first. He walks to his dresser and opens the first drawer, rifles through it.

"Hey, have you seen my charger?" He asks. I glance around the room and find the white charger where it always is, plugged into his extension cord under the bed. I point there and he smiles. "Thanks."

I turn back to my book, pretending to be reading it with the greatest interest. Axel seems to not be buying it.

"Can I ask you one more time?" He asks, a lopsided grin on his face. My eyes flicker across his face before I pull them onto the ground.

"Go for it."

"Come with me. To the theatre room. We're missing your quiet presence."

I sigh and roll my eyes. "How can you all miss me? I barely say anything. I just sit in the back like a laugh track."

Axel tilts his head to the side. "Don't be ridiculous. Come on."

I hesitate, but stand up and follow him out of the room. Before we get into the hallway, I tap him on the shoulder.

"Axel?"

"Hm?"

"Charger."

"Oh yeah!"

He runs back into the room and returns with the charger and a look of triumph.

"Thanks."

We make it to the theatre room, and there's everyone. Even Johnathan. He sits in the back of the room, his eyes red and his hair still messy. He looks up at me, and seems relieved to see me here. I exchange a look with Peter, just a short one, and I feel the coldness radiating from his eyes. I ignore him and walk to the back of the room with Johnathan.

I sit beside him and pat him on the back.

"How are you?" I ask him quietly. He shrugs simply, his eyes staying on his hands, folded on the desk in front of him.

"Fine, I guess."

"Have you spoken to Peter anymore? Maybe he regrets what happened."

"He doesn't," Johnathan says almost instinctively. "I know he doesn't. He wants to break up with me, but he doesn't want it to be his fault."

"You keep saying that, but what if it's not true?"

"It is."

I sigh and nod, accepting that response without argument. I watch as Axel sits down on the floor beside Margo. He strings his arm around her shoulder and laughs. His eyes crinkle up when he smiles widely like he is now, and it's incredibly adorable.

I shake my head. Stop it, I think. Quit that, you're going to drive yourself crazy.

Johnathan nudges me.

"You like her?" He mutters quietly. I almost laugh.

"No, not at all."

"I see how you're looking at her. The same way I look at Peter, and Peter's looked at half the guys in this state."

I chuckle at that, but continue to shake my head no.

"I don't like Margo," I insist.

"Then who are you..." He trails off, his eyes falling on Axel. Realization spreads across his face as he turns to look at me again. "Axel?"

I shush him, even though his voice was barely a whisper. He snorts with quiet laughter.

"Straight my ass."

I feel like clamping my hand over his mouth.

"Shut up. I don't know what's going on in my mind, but I'm pretty sure in my sexuality, okay?"

"Okay, then answer one simple question." I nod, as if to say 'go on'. "Do you, or have you ever, had romantic feelings for someone of the same gender?"

When I hesitate, he laughs again.

"Straight my ass," he repeats.

I sigh in exasperation. "Whatever. Can I ask you... when did you realize you..." I trail off and Johnathan fills in the blanks for me.

"When did I realize I was gay?" He confirms. "Pretty recently, actually. I left my old town, my old group, and I decided that college is when you explore, so weeks into college, I got a boyfriend."

"So, Peter... he's your first boyfriend?"

"Yep. I have great taste, don't I?"

I roll my eyes. "I just don't want to make this into anything more than it is, okay?"

"Okay. And, you can trust me. My lips are sealed."

"Thanks Johnathan."

He smiles, winks, and turns to watch Peter with the same amusement and fondness that he usually does. He doesn't seem to be very good at being mad at Peter.

"Hey, Finn," Margo calls out from the front of the room. "We've heard almost everyone's party stories except yours. What kind of embarrassing shit did you pull?"

My heart clenches. Did Axel tell them about kissing me? Does he even remember it? He was drunk. Really drunk. If I'm lucky, he forgot.

My phone rings in my pocket. Saved by the bell. I check it to see who's calling.

Incoming call from: Dad.

I feel my mouth part in surprise. Why is he calling me? Of all people, why is he calling me? He never calls me. He doesn't even like me.

I leave the room, phone in hand, and answer it in the art room.

"Hello?" I mutter. Maybe he buttdialed me?

But no, when his voice comes on the speaker, he sounds cheery. Probably because I'm out of the house.

"Hello, Finnick. How's university life treating you?"

"Just fine, Dad. What can I do for you?"

"What can you do for me? Don't be silly. Can't a father just call his son to talk?"

Sure, a father can, but you can't.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. What's up?"

"Just wanted to know how your classes are."

"They're boring lectures. You can't seriously be interested in that."

"I just want to be sure you're settling in nicely." How can he make a statement so kind sound so condescending and rude?

"I'm settling in fine, Dad. Classes are fine. The dorm is fine. The people are fine. Is that all you needed?"

I hear him exhale through his teeth, an irritated habit of his that my mother hates.

"Yes, okay, Finnick. If you're this busy--" he says this in such a way that would make me feel guilty when I was younger. Now, it makes me want to laugh. "--then I will let you go. I'll talk to you again soon." I won't count on it.

"Goodbye."

"Bye."

I drop my phone back in my pocket, growling in irritation before returning to the theatre room.