Not Ashamed

'Chapter Twenty Five ×

Peter drives me back to campus, then let's me into his room.

"What do you expect me to do with you?" He asks, looking down at me sat on his bed. Thank God his roommate wasn't home tonight.

"I don't know. I didn't ask you to bring me here."

"What did you want me to do? Leave you on the street?"

"Why not? You don't like me."

Peter rolls his eyes. "That doesn't mean I'm going to leave you to bleed on the streets of New York. Look at yourself, you need to go to the hospital."

"If I go to the hospital, than Axel will most definitely find out."

"Oh, so you'd rather bleed out and die right here?"

"The die part I could do without."

Peter huffs, shaking his head. "You're impossible. And, you're going to the hospital."

"Oh, am I?"

"Yes, you are."

Peter gets out his phone, making one of the quickest calls I think I've ever seen.

"Don't hang up. Because don't. Come over. Because it's important. You'll see. Don't hang up!"

I can hear the phone line going dead, meaning despite Peter's requests, they hung up.

"Who was that?"

"Johnathan. He isn't Axel, and he will definitely be better for you to have around than I will."

"Don't get more people dragged into this."

"Shut up, you have a death wish."

There's a knock on the door, and he opens it to reveal Johnathan, wearing a pair of pajama pants and a worn out t-shirt with a sports team I don't recognize.

"What was so important that I had to--oh my god, what happened?" It's clear my his reaction what he saw. He passes by Peter without a second glance and comes over to me. "What the hell happened to you?"

"He mouthed off to a guy with a knife," Peter says, which almost makes me laugh slightly.

"Well, you need to go to the hospital. Those are some pretty dead cuts."

"Exactly. That's two against one. Come on, hospital here we come!"

Peter helps me up again, and because he's far stronger than me, there's no possible way I could fight his hold, especially not in my current condition.

We get to the hospital, and while Peter talks to the lady at the desk, Johnathan inspects the cuts on my face and neck.

"Don't pout, you need to be stitched up," he says. "Besides, you're being a complete baby. And totally irrational, may I add."

"I just don't want him to know."

"I know you don't, but do you really believe he won't notice those scars even after the gashes are all healed up? And besides, with the way you're holding your side, you could have a broken rib."

I look up at him, and he gives me a look that tells me not to fight him on this. Peter returns, a nurse in tow.

"Go ahead, we'll be out here," he says, sounding like he's talking to a little kid. I glare at him, before politely following the nurse.

She leads me to a little hospital room and tells me to sit. She examines the cuts, and my side.

"How did you get these injuries?" She asks.

"I got into a fight," I answer a little sheepishly.

She accepts the answer, then informs me that I need stitches and an x-ray. She sews me up, which is definitely unpleasant, but not as unpleasant as I thought it would be. Then, I get the x-ray, showing that I do, in fact, have two broken ribs. Ribs are extremely easy to break.

So, because ribs are apparently easy to fix as well, she gives me a prescription for some pain killers, and sends me back to Johnathan and Peter.

"There, how hard was that?" Johnathan says, standing up from his seat. He's obviously relieved to see me, which means it was awkward for the two of them to sit together and wait. It's been years, and it's still awkward. It's not that big of a surprise, honestly.

I stay silent, and Peter drives us back to campus. I say nothing the whole ride. Sure, the hospital wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be, and I, for now, can still keep tonight's events from Axel, but I still didn't want to go. I can't explain why, I feel like I deserve to feel all the pain from my injuries. If I hadn't seen Peter passing by, I probably would've continued to piss off those buffoons so they'd slice me up like a birthday cake.

Before we get to campus, Peter stops and gets the painkillers I was prescribed. Then, he drives us back.

Completely against myself, I return to me and Axel's room. That's right, it's time to tell him that I'm an idiot. This whole time I was belly aching about having to tell him, but now I'm going to tell him now. Waiting until tomorrow, I realize, is just prolonging the inevitable. I have to tell him.

Oh crap, I have to tell him.

I walk back into my room, finding Axel is asleep above the covers with the light still on. I smile when I see him, especially with the fact that he is asleep, which means I don't have to tell him anything just yet.

I manage to unwind the covers from underneath him and cover him with them, which is enough to wake him up.

He blinks before looking up at me.

"You're home," he says, then his eyes focus on my stitches. "And you're seen up." He looks confused as he sits up and examines me. "Are you okay?"

"I have two broken ribs, plus... this," I gesture to the stitches in my face. "I bumped into a drunk New Yorker with a knife and he didn't treat me too kindly about it. Peter and Johnathan brought me to the hospital, and I have painkillers, and I'm fine."

"You..." Axel trails off in disbelief. He stares up at me.

"I didn't want to go to the hospital, because I didn't want you to find out that I was so stupid as to provoke this giant guy, and then continue to provoke him when he pulls a knife on me, and I just..." I feel my lip start to shake, tears coming into my eyes and the truth comes out. "I wanted someone to hurt me because I wanted to feel a pain that was different from the one I was feeling at the time. I just didn't want to be coddled or taken care of, I wanted someone to... I don't know, take my mind off of it. I'm overreacting, and I know that, it's what I do. I felt like you were on their side, and I mostly felt a-alone."

Axel shakes his head at me, getting up and hugging me tightly.

"Finn, I love you, and I regretted what I said seconds after I said it. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I don't want you to believe you can't tell me what you think."

"You were right, though. I don't understand because I don't know enough about your home life and assuming I knew more than I did wasn't my place."

I nod into his shoulder, accepting his reply without saying anything else. What else should I say?

"You should go to sleep. Nurse Axel is going to take care of you."

I pull back and smile, before turning off the light and going to bed.