Not Ashamed

'Chapter Twenty ✓×

Standing in front of my childhood home, bag in hand, I can't help but regret my decision. I should've taken longer to think about it. Why did I say yes? I don't want to come home!

My lip shakes, and so do my hands. Axel beside me seems unworried, but what does he have to be worried about? He's wonderful. Everyone loves him.

He takes one of my shaking hands and kisses it before draping it back at my side.

"Ready?" He asks, probably bored from standing out here for so long, wondering when I'm going to knock.

Finally, I build up the courage and knock on the door. I hear footsteps approach it and feel like running, but instead, I just stand and let the door swing open.

There stands my mother. She looks the same since I last left, maybe a little more tired. She's always looked tired, though.

"Finn--" she's cut off when she sees Axel. She tips her head in confusion, but I don't answer any question she isn't asking. "Come in, come in."

We do as we're told, kicking off snow covered shoes and stepping into the house. Everything looks the same, but that's no surprise. The Harrison's don't like change. They hate it, in fact.

"Well, Finn, you can take your bags up to your bedroom. Your friend can take the guest room."

She puts a lot of emphasis on friend, obviously saying he better just be your friend. I take off my shoes, nodding to her.

"I can take yours for you," I tell Axel, and he hands it to me, thanking me quietly. I can see he's intimidated by my mother. Just wait until he meets dear old dad.

I march upstairs, Axel on my heels. I go into my old room without looking at the guest room, putting both of our things in there. I take off my winter jacket, then take Axel's and hang them both up. I turn to him with a heavy sigh.

"I'm ready to go home now," I say. He laughs, shaking his head and laying a gentle hand on my cheek.

"Hey, don't be so worried. Maybe things have changed since you left."

"Please," I huff, covering his hand with my own. "The one thing the Harrison's hate more than creativity is change. They can't stand it. My parents haven't changed their haircuts since they were in college."

Axel laughs again. I'm on a roll. He kisses me shortly before pulling on my hand to make me leave the room. I lead him down the stairs and to the sitting room, where my mother sits with Holly and her fiance Matthew.

"Finn!" Holly grins when she sees me. Matt and my mom stand politely when I step in, trained to do so when someone enters the room. Holly rushes over to hug me, squeezing me tightly. I gasp, hugging back for a quick second before pulling away. "Good to see you again!" She leans in, lowering her voice to say, "Thank God you're here. It's like a morgue in this house waiting for dad to get off."

My heart skips at that. If it's already bad, it'll be fifty times worse when dad gets here. I take a deep breath before moving on.

I shake hands as way of hello with Matt before me and Axel sit down. Axel puts his hand on my knee to stop it from bouncing up and down, which I didn't notice I was doing.

Before I know it, the front door opens, and my father's extremely distinct footsteps approach the living room. We all stand to greet him, most of us doing it out of pure fear.

"Well, this is quite the gathering. Matthew, nice to see you again, you're looking well. Holly, I see nothing has changed since the last time I saw you."

"Good to see you again, dad," Holly says, walking over to give dad a less enthusiastic hug than she gave me. She steps away from him and back to Matt's side. It's clear by looking at the two of them, they are not in love. There's no romantic feelings between them. They're getting married for my parents.

"And, Finnick. Hello."

Wow, what a kind greeting.

"It's been too long, father," I say stiffly, far more stiffly than I should have. I shake his hand, the formal greeting my father has trained me with since I was a child.

"And, who is this?" He asks, looking to Axel. Axel smiles politely, a kind smile that my father does not return.

"Uh, well I was actually waiting for you to get here before I say anything about that..." I take a deep breath. Oh god, I'm shaking again. I've never been so nervous in my life. My heartbeat has never been this loud. Axel slips his hand into mine and squeezes, giving me the courage I need. "This is Axel. He's my dormmate at uni... and, he's my boyfriend."

I cringe, waiting for some sort of repurcussion. It doesn't come, probably because mom and dad are on their "company behavior" and refuse to make a scene.

"Oh?" Mom says, standing from her chair.

"Good to meet you," dad greets Axel coldly. Axel nods his head politely, still a ray of sunshine despite the winter storm that's blowing his way.

"I should start on dinner for tonight. Excuse me." Mom steps out of the room, leaving us. Holly leaves, taking Matt and saying that she's going to help. Me and Axel exchange a look before looking back at my dad.

"Well, why are you both still standing? What am I, the queen of England?"

We sit back down, and this time, dad sits too.

"So, how's school going, Finnick?"

"Fine. And your work?"

"Fine."

A silence coats the room that stays there until mom calls us for supper...

Two hours later.

Two hours of complete silence! What the hell am I supposed to talk about? I don't know how to talk to my father!

Dad leaves the room first, leaving me and Axel alone for a minute.

"Oh my god, I feel the ice growing into my heart. I feel like Anna," I groan. Axel smiles sympathetically, kissing my cheek.

"You'll feel better when you eat something. Besides, they haven't been awful so far."

"You just wait."