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004. FAKE FRIEND ______
A confetti exploded right above me and my smile only grew wider. A hurdle of yells seemingly deafened me momentarily as I scanned the crowd ahead of me—a beautiful moment I wanted to always remember.
Which sadly, now came to an end.
An end in which I didn't want to occur because of a dreadful moment that viciously ate me alive.
Hoseok, I reminisced dazedly.
He should've been standing with me on this stage. In fact, it should've been only him, but he always wanted it to be us. Always wanted the perfect image of both of us winning the trophy. But much to my dismay, it was me. Don't get me wrong, I was more than honoured to win the competition tonight, heck, I was overwhelmed but deep inside, I truly wasn't.
Mindlessly, I walked off stage. The roars behind me becoming nothing in comparison to my loud thoughts that were feeding off my flesh. Possessing my brain and numbing my body into oblivion.
I closed my eyes, entering my dressing room with a heavy sigh.
Which soon came to a halt as my eyes instantly widened after hearing the door behind me close without my touch. I twirled around, my breath hitching from shock.
"Hoseok," I aimlessly walk closer until he stops me with a hand gesture, "stop." He closes his eyes, seemingly painful to look at me, "just don't. Don't speak, don't talk, don't even touch me." His tone was stern and unfamiliar.
Am I hurting you my love?
"Plea—" he cuts me off, "I really don't want to hear it—you first lie, telling me your not going to join the competition because of my injured foot, and then look at me with pity while holding the trophy I, well we, was supposed to win?" His eyes dangerously lock with mine. "Are you trying to hurt me more than I already am?"
I shake my head, tears gathering up in my eyes, "no, no. Hear me out—"
He pokes the inside of his cheek, cutting me off again, "emotionally hurting me because physically, you've already passed that, right?" I shook my head, he was purposely trying to get back at me. "—I managed to save your life to only have injured mine, why?" He shrugs sarcastically, "oh because I did it out of love, obviously something your oblivious too."
I stepped back, awfully struck by his truthful words that impregnate my mind. He was undeniably right. I was oblivious to our affectionate love that suppressed the pain I carried upon my shoulders.
Or perhaps the guilt I felt knowing I'd go behind his back to compete in the competition.
"I messed up, really badly. I hurt you, just as much as I hurt myself. This trophy," I lift the one in my hands, "means absolutely nothing to me, Hoseok, nothing." I close my eyes and let the tears keep falling, "I admit it, I competed without you, my partner, my lover, my world. And it's sucks, sucks I can't redo that moment and have you with me. Sucks even more knowing I won and not an ounce of fulfilment fluttered through me."
A raspy chuckle escaped his mouth that sent a shiver down my spine, "yeah sucks to realise how fake you were and how only now, I noticed it." He said bitterly, his cold gaze burning through my skin.
"I'm sorry," I cried out, "I'm sorry for not realising what we had. I'm sorry for breaking your heart because of my selfishness. I'm sincerely sorry for giving you reasons to find hate in the eyes of your first love." I slowly opened my eyes, taking a hesitant step forward.
He turns his back towards me, his hand pressed onto the door knob, "If you only had patience, we both would have been up there. Winning or not, we would've been there together, amazed by the crowds proximity and how much we loved it, wouldn't we?"
"Yeah." I hiccup a cry.
"Well I guess we both have the chance to do what we want, individually." My heart clenched, "because you lost me. You knew how much I wanted this, yet still, you did what you did and I can't ever find myself to forgive you."
"Please don't say that. Please don't let me go, I love you and I will never do anything like this ever again." I wipe my tears aimlessly as more escape. He pushed his head back, a tired sigh arousing into the air, "yeah you'll never do it again because I won't be here with you to notice it."
My eyes widen and I feel like I've just mercilessly been stabbed in the chest—my breathing suddenly becomes irregular and an oozing pain pounces into my skin. "I can't, please I can't lose you too."
He doesn't bother to face back but everything about him in this moment, vaguely speaks for itself and I understand that he's hurting from this situation just as I am, "too bad because you've already lost me but this time, for good."
He opened the door and walked out without sparing one glance my way. And I immediately knew, I was officially out of Jung Hoseok's world and perimeter of love. He pushed me away, just as I did to him. Pushed me so hard that life itself, is a living blur to me now that he's gone.
My greed and eagerness led me astray into a place, I thought I wanted to be apart of that wasn't what I imagined it to be, because of my mind that drew a curtain around the actual picture, in which where I became oblivious too.
And questionably, I've become one with that picture because everything including my existence, has become nothing but a blur.
A blur I cannot clearly escape from because I've lost my only utensil to do so.
Hoseok.
Without you, I'm nothing but a blur blinded by ego and painted by love.
