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0011. BEGOTTEN & UNVALUED _______
I'm sorry mother, I seemed to disappoint you yet again. It seems as if your words cannot change my intoxicated being. Your beautiful strokes against my head was almost a fatal memory that I cannot connect successfully.
You told me not to fall in love with a man like father. A man, whom only gave in for what he wanted. A person who cared for a reason, yet abandoning for treason.
You told me, "my love, my daughter, my everything. Please love with trust and believe that someone with kindness, honesty and respect, shall love you your entire life. Please my baby, never fall for one like your farther. For what shall never be called love." Your last words.
But someone as I, whom was to greedy for the comfort of a man and a relationship where loving was like breathing, was stupidly hard and a mistake.
The man I fell in love with, cheated on me with my own best friend. It was difficult to watch and painful to remember. Is this what you meant mother?
The man I fell in love with, didn't ask why I felt isolated. He hadn't shared a single moment to recover me from the glimpse I saw the lips he kissed me with, upon another woman. Is this what you meant mother?
The man I fell in love with, didn't bother to help through the time I lost you, my mother—my life, my everything. He left me alone and pushed me when I needed him most. It hurt because now I knew what heartbreak had felt and how much it burned my aching heart. Again, is this what you meant mother?
The man who was so beautiful, ethereal and loving in my eyes, was just the curtains my imagination drew so it couldn't see what laid behind. And knowing that, it hurt even more. My own conscience couldn't bare to see through him. My mind was so insecure and numb, that it had imagined a man whom I wanted with the looks of someone who wasn't who I thought he was.
And reminiscing through all our conversations and memories, I read your book that you worked so hard for, mother. It because so successful around the world that if you were here, you would have been so overwhelmed and proud and we would squish each other in a long tight lasting hug, where I would repeat the same line, "mum please, I can't breath." Followed by our laughter.
Wow, mum. Look what your doing to me, my words are so emotional that I cannot help but to cry. Cry that I cannot say these things to you and wait for a reply back. A reply that would have made me frown but laugh when witnessing your I-told-you-so face and then squeeze me into a beautiful hug.
A hug that kept me sane and happy until the man I loved, never returned my hugs. An embrace he hadn't considered to fall into that unfortunately, gave me the emotion and pain to never hug anyone ever again.
And that hurt because I was so head over heels for him. To know the one I chose and developed feelings and emotions for, couldn't dare return it. Couldn't dare to be a man and protect me mentally for what was yet to come.
But here I am, my ring finger occupied by a diamond ring that was so surreal and huge it outlined Kim Taehyung all over it.
Kim Taehyung, mum. That was his name. The one who left me in isolation and gave me up because he had never found love, in the eyes of his wife.
Sorry mother, I beg on my knees and rest my hands on the floor to ask for your forgiveness. I ask for your help and a reply to guide me out of this trap I've fallen into—to dazed in this hole where my desire and passionate self, can't fight through this trance of a one love game.
Do what you must. Hurt me from above, haunt me, kill me, just please help me.
For I have disobeyed your pleading eyes and fallen into the eyes of a man, just like farther.
