No Matter What (A Nash Grier Story)

Flashlights

Nash and I lived directly across this street from each other and both of our windows had rooms facing the street. It was like the "You Belong With Me" music video by Taylor Swift copied our idea. Sometimes at night we would flash our lights through each others windows. Using glow in the dark ink, we woud write in really big letters to hang up in our window to see. That was when we didn't have cell phones. Every once in a while I would see a light flash through my window and would look out to see Nash in the distance writing something.

We hadn't done that in a while. But randomly tonight I felt the need to do it again. I felt lonely tonight because I had spent the last two days in bed watching movies. I had been sick with a fever and throwing up, something that is not good for a person who has a dying immune system.

I picked up my flashlight and shot it across the street into his window. It was pretty late at night so there was a good chance he was in his room. I kept flashing it on and off until I saw his figure standing at the window. When I saw him, I climbed out my window and onto the roof that was outside. I held up a sign to him neatly painted in yellow ink that shown across the street to him that read "COME OVER AND SIT WITH ME ON THE ROOF." I saw him start to write something on his paper. Finally he held it up and it said "OKAY." I watched him as he climbed out his window and down one of those white gardening fixtures that are criss-crossed that hold flowers and vines. He ran across the street towards my house and started to climb up the railing on my porch.

When he finally got up onto the roof he sat next to me. A few inches separated us and my arms were wrapped around my bent legs.

"Nash?" I asked him quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

There was a moment of silence.

"What are you going to do when I'm gone?"

All we could hear were the crickets chirping and the wind blowing. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself differently. Healthy. With hair, and a career in my near future. Without weekly hospital visits, and my decision on who my favorite nurse is. A husband, Nash, with our two brown hair, blue eyed kids. I had wished so many things, but I had never really thought about what Nash felt like. He had always toughed things out with me and just been my supporter, I didn't really think of what would happen to him when I left.

"I don't know Liv...

I don't know."

I scooted closer to him. Our hips were almost touching. I turned my head to look at him. A smile crept onto my face as I just watched the side of his cheek. He turned to look at me and gave me an odd look.

"What!?" he asked me.

I looked away and shook my head. "It's just that this doesn't feel real. I've been told that I only have an X amount of months, but it hasn't really sunken in. The whole part that I'll be dying is surprisingly very hard to comprehend. The thought of losing you is even worse," and then a pain hit my chest. The type of pain that wants to knock you over from impact, the kind of pain that causes an immediate knot to form in the back of your throat.

He is going to have to move on. When I die, he going to have to grow up, get married, and have kids of his own. And the part that kinda really sucks is that all of this was for nothing. Soon its just going to turn into some stupid type of "young love" or "summer love," when really, it never was. Everyone says that when you meet the one, you just know. How you can just feel it. Well I feel it right now with my hip touching his, and it's not a false alarm. He's not my high school sweetheart, he's my best friend and the one I will always love, and unfortunately, it won't be the the same for him.

"Well right now you haven't lost me. I'm right here," he said leaning over and kissing my ear.

I moved my head away. "No, listen."

I shifted myself.

"One day you're going to find the girl that you love, the girl you can't live without, the girl you're going to marry. And that girl will actually be alive for the next 30+ years. Yes, right now I have you, and you have me, but that's not going to last forever," a tear found its way into my eye. "And it really hurts to think about. To know you can't be mine forever."

Nash sighed loudly. He wrapped his arms around me. "It hurts me too, to think I won't always have you either. It doesn't mean that I'll ever stop loving you and missing you though. I so badly wish I could make all these things go away for you. I would give up anything for you to be happy."

"I am happy."

I broke out of his hug to look at him. "You are here with me now, and I love you. I am happy. I'm just scared too."