No Matter What (A Nash Grier Story)

The Last Good-bye

7 months passed by way too fast. I spent my time in hospitals, in bed, and with Nash. We were on the very last item on my bucket list, "die peacefully."

I felt like a vegetable, lying in bed with an oxygen cannula stuffed under my nose. My family had come to just "visit," but I knew why they were here. Things had gotten bad in the last month. No amount of pain killers could help me. I walked around with a permanent cannula under my nose, if I actually ever did walk. Nash had been traveling the last month, but I'm glad. I really hated him seeing me like this. I tried to stay positive thinking that I could finally get out of this shit hole we call a world. There was so much pain and suffering, knowing that I'll be out soon was comforting. There was always a small hope in me that I would make it out alive. That my fighting was enough. But now I was getting tired. Some people who aren't in my situation would call me a coward, or a quitter. Some people even in my situation would call me those things, but this has been the worst year of my life. And sure, many people have had their worst year as well, but I think I'm ready. There's just so much pain that every moment, I would give almost anything to make it stop. My lungs hurt from trying to breathe, and my body hurts from trying to fight. There's no hope left for me to run on. That tiny little fragment in the back of my mind has dissolved due to the radiation. I am ready.

I hadn't really looked at myself in the mirror for a while, and I didn't really want to. IV's and tubes stuck out from my body everywhere. My head had grown some hair fuzz on it since I had stopped chemo. Everything was checked off of my bucket list. I was done. I was ready.

My family gathered in the room celebrating some type of fake anniversary they made up as an excuse to be together, to be with me. It was nice having their attention, but I was really missing Nash. I wanted him to be the last thing I saw in the world, because he was the most important.

****

I started writing him a note. I could feel my timer ticking into the last minutes of my life and I knew there was a chance he wouldn't be here.

Dear Hamilton Nash Grier,

I love you. I love you so much. And I want you to know that you were the very last thing I was thinking about. I wish you could have been there with me, holding my hand. But it's okay, I'm okay. It didn't hurt, and I crossed off the last thing on my list, to do it peacefully. I'm sorry I couldn't walk down the aisle to you wearing a white dress, or break your hand when I had our first child. I'm sorry I couldn't sit on the porch with you at the age of 70, wondering how to work the new iPhone 58. And I'm sorry I had to leave so soon, but I was ready. And I just want to thank you. Thank you for always being there and loving me. Thank you for being my best friend and sharing all those amazing moments with you. Remember that time the teacher farted during our speech in high school? And remember that time the waiters at that restaurant accidentally put the engagement ring in the champagne glass and put it on our table instead of the other couple? And remember our flashlights at night, and how we swore we would sue Taylor Swift for taking our idea in her music video? I want you to promise me something. Promise me you'll sue her one day for me. Ok, not really. But that really means, and what I'm really asking is that you won't sit around forever. I want you to get back out there, just not too soon. I just want you to keep your promise that you will love me forever. Actually, Ill let you off the hook. Love me until your wedding day. Just promise me that you'll always remember me. If you do, I'll make sure to keep an extra eye on you from heaven. And don't beat yourself up for not being here. I understand. I was surrounded by my family, I was okay. Even your family came to say good-bye. I know you love me, and I know that you say good-bye. And whatever you may have needed to tell me, I know now. And I wanna say this one last thing to you. I mean it from the deepest places of my being, that I love you. I love you will all my heart, and I always will. Good-bye Hamilton Nash Grier. I'm ready.

Liv

*****
My mother was walking by. I grabbed her hand before she could take another step. She bent down low and I croaked in her ear "I'm ready." She looked at me with a face of pure pain but some understanding.

"There's something I have to show you first. Nash said to show this to you if he wasn't here. He wanted to be here when you saw it but he said its okay if he wasn't. None of us has seen it yet. You can watch it alone or with us, you choose," my mother told me, handing me a laptop with a paused video of Nash's face on it.

I hit play.

"Hey Liv!" He looked down at his hands and took a deep breath. "If I'm not there watching this with you I can not begin to explain how sorry I am and how much I will want to beat myself up," he gave a little laugh and looked down at his hands again. "When I found out that you have a certain amount of time to live, I started to make this video. I love you... so much," he put his hand over the lens.

A picture of us in skydiving suits showed up on the screen. Then a video of us falling through the air popped up. I didn't think of the scary side of that though. A picture of us suspended in mid air showed up next, along with another video from when we experienced no gravity. Pictures and videos of us from when we were younger also were put in Nash's video. At the end of the walk down memory lane, he started talking again. I found myself with tears running down my whole face. "If you're watching this with other people I want you to put headphones in, unless I'm there with you. Then I have to tell you something."

I paused the video and put headphones in.

"It all happened 15 years ago. At the age of 3, our moms became best friends, and then we did. I have loved you for the past 15 years, and I was hoping to love you for the next 60. But things aren't fair, and life isn't fair, and no doubt I'm upset about that, but at least now I know you aren't suffering anymore," tears started falling from his eyes and he looked away. "You mean everything to me in this world. You're more then my best friend and the one I love, your the most important person in my life and my favorite person in this world. It feels like in being ripped in half now that you're leaving. And there are no words to describe to you how much I love you and how much this hurts. But I have to go, and so do you..." There was a moment on silence as he caught his breath and wiped away the mass of tears under his eyes. "Good-bye my beautiful, confident, talented, loving, and so much more, Olivia May Belle. I. Love. You."

And the screen went black.

My heart broke into a million pieces as uncontrollable sobs broke through. My family hugged and comforted me.

I calmed myself down.

"Mom?"

"Yes Olivia?"

"Can you give this to Nash?" I whispered, unable to speak much louder. I handed her my note.

"Of course."

I hugged and kissed my family good-bye. The nurse walked in and dosed me with a drug so I would die peacefully. She unhooked me from the oxygen machine and I said good-bye one last time before I finally fell into an unending slumber.

*************************************

No Ones P.O.V**

He came in and rushed to her bedside. She had already gone. He held her hand and cried into her arm. He kissed her lips and breathed her last scent. He couldn't believe she was gone.

Her mother bent over and touched his shoulder. She handed him a note. When he opened it he saw the familiar writing of the girl he loved and her tears that stained the paper. He had rushed here as fast as he could, but was too late.

Word by word he read the paper over and over again, soaking in the last words she had said to him. The tears seemed like they would never stop, and it felt like he needed a new heart, for his was ripped in two.

Good-bye my love, my life, my Olivia.