NB: The Search (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 17: Alone

 I’m sitting on my bed.  My eyes are closed.  My mind is clear.  All that matters is the light.

I’m practicing manipulating objects.  I lift them into the air and move them around my room.  Right now, I’m lifting the lamp.  It’s interesting manipulating the light of an object with electricity moving through it.  The energy is chaotic.  I start to tame it and the filament cools.  When the light makes it into our physical world, it’s disruptive.  I need to maintain order.  There needs to be peace.

I let the light’s serenity consume my being.  I can’t bear living without the light.  Without the light, there’s pain.  I don’t want to feel pain or heartbreak and so I don’t feel anything.

All the pleasures in the world are temporary, and their impermanence brings loss and suffering.  Only the light is forever.

I need the light.  I don’t want to feel anything.  I just want the bliss.  I can’t bear reality.

The light is warm.  I am at peace.  I’m on the precipice of gaining far greater control.  Soon I’ll be able to do things that go beyond the comprehension of most people.  I’ll reach a higher level of consciousness.

I sit and I concentrate and I reach out.

There’s a knock on my door.  It’s the one person in the world who can bring me back to reality no matter what level of consciousness I’m on – my mother.

“Can I come in?” she asks.

“One second,” I say.  I try to put the lamp back on the table, but I don’t have enough time.  I can hear the door opening.

Why doesn’t she ever listen when I tell her not to come in?  I feel the twinge of annoyance in my mind, pulling me from the light.  I can’t get the lamp onto the table, so I try and land it on the ground without breaking it.  I’m successful, but without my powers maintaining order, the filament starts to heat up and the light bulb fills the room with its chaotic brightness.

My mother walks in.  “Aaron,” she says, “can we talk?”

“This isn’t a good time, Mum.”

She walks over and sits down on the end of my bed.  Why does she even bother asking questions if she doesn’t listen to the answers?

“You’ve seemed a little distant lately.  Is everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” I say.

“Is there anything going on that you want to talk about?”

“No,” I say.  Clearly there’s something she wants to talk about.

“Maggie hasn’t been around much lately, are you two alright?”

“Yeah,” I say.  I don’t care right now.  I just want my mother to leave.

“That’s good,” she says.  “And that boy Day seems really nice.”

Until he got what he wanted from me and disappeared.  “Can we just not talk right now?”

“Aaron, I love you, no matter what,” she says.  “You can talk to me.”

I’m not in the mood to deal with her trying to play supportive mother.  I don’t want to talk.  Talking makes things seem real.  You feel things when you talk.  I just want to forget.  Why doesn’t she understand that?  She wants to talk so that she can feel better, like she’s done her job.  She wants to prove that even though she’s a single mother, she can still be there for her son as much as any parent.  It’s not about me feeling better.  The light is what I need, not reality.  Maggie and her fears are part of reality.  Day and that stupid cocky smile of his are part of reality too.  I don’t want to think about reality anymore.

“I don’t want to talk!” I shout.  “Can you just leave me alone?”

“Alright,” my mother says in her stubborn parental voice.  “When can we talk then?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you right now, but you need to talk to someone.  If it’s not me, fine.  I don’t care if it’s Maggie, or a school councillor or someone else entirely.  But holding things in isn’t healthy.”

“I’ll talk,” I say, “just not now.”

“Okay,” Mum says.  She hugs me, kisses me on the cheek and then leaves.

I’m alone again.  Day’s gone.  Maggie’s barely talking to me.  And now my mother left.  I know my Mum is just a few feet away, but I don’t know how to talk to her about this.

It doesn’t really matter.  I don’t need to talk.  I have the light.  I have peace.  Everything else is just a distraction.  I won’t let anything distract me anymore.  I am more powerful than anyone can imagine.  I am the light.