NB: The Search (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 37: Watching from the Wings

I'm in the shower, rinsing off the dirt and blood from my confrontation with Petrus.  I say confrontation, but there was no fight.  He just declared that I was his plaything and then went on his merry way.

After Petrus disappeared, I was still high on the bliss of his light.  In tune with my powers, I was able to cross the freeway safely and come home without anyone being able to notice me.  Even as I was using the light, I knew how important it was to give it up.  I can't let myself become something like Petrus.  I just need to stay out of all this.

"Where are?" Damien asked when I called him.  He sounded so afraid.  He already knew about the crash and the dead demons.  He was worried Petrus had taken me, or corrupted me with his light.

"I'm just at home," I told him.  He wanted to come and save me, but I told him to stay away.  "He wants me to gather demons so that he can kill you."

Damien and I talked back and forth.  We both said words, but I don't remember what any of them meant, not even the ones I was saying.  I think he was trying to comfort me.

"I wish I could be there right now," he said at one point.  "But Petrus is very strong, and if it comes to a fight, I won't win.  He'll kill me and anyone else I send.  But just because I am not there beside you, doesn't mean that I am not with you.  I am thinking of you, and I will be watching you from as close as I can.  I don't think he wants to hurt you or the humans in your life, but if he tries, I will be there and I will protect you no matter what the outcome."

While we were talking, I noticed the blood stains on my clothes and I started to take them off and put them in the wash machine.  I must have been standing there naked in the middle of the house for twenty minutes.

Before we were finished, I was crying, begging Damien to stay away.  "He wants to use me to kill you.  You need to forget about me."  At that was what I said in the moments when I was feeling more altruistic. 

"I just want to be normal.  I don't want to be the Sword of God.  Please, just let things go back to the way they were."

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you Aaron."

Eventually we just said goodbye.  Day didn't want me to go, but my face had blood caked on it.  So did my hands and my shoulders.  I had to wash it all off. 

There is a piece of flesh caught in the drain.  I always think of flesh as being bright red, but the running water has washed away all of the blood, leaving it a pale greyish purple colour.  I don't know what part of the body it's from.  Is it from the exploding head of the driver, or when Petrus tore apart the guard in the passenger side seat?  All I can say for sure is that the slimy looking grey fleshy thing is too big to go down the drain on its own.

Eventually, I decide, I just have to pick it up.  It isn't too bad, almost like handling a strip of raw chicken breast.  I drop it in the toilet, unsure of whether I should say a prayer or not before I flush.  I didn't really know my demon guards.  I assume they had names, families, friends.  Now they're dead and it seems like such a waste.  The only think I can think to say is, "I'm sorry."  And then I pull the handle and say goodbye.  I should probably start keeping track of everyone that has died because of me.  Maybe I'll start carving notches into my headboard.

When I decide that I'm as clean as I'm going to get, I turn off the water and stand there for a moment as I try to remember what I'm supposed to do next.

I dry myself off with a towel, go back to my room, and collapse on my bed. 

I’m alone in my room.  I hate being alone.  I feel cold.

I am in so much pain, and a part of me just wants to turn it off.  I can still feel the light, it’s everywhere.  Even when I try to turn my mind away from it, I can still feel it in the corners of my consciousness.  I want to touch it, but I know what it can do to me.

At the same time, it seems a bit absurd to be afraid of the light.  The light is all around me.  I’m made of the light.  It’s my being.  It’s like being afraid or water or air.

I just want to be human, but now that I’ve felt the light, closing my eyes to it feels cold and lonely.

I turn on music, flip through channels on the TV.  I even try to go over my algebra homework.  I just want to distract myself, but I can’t.

I decide to just lie in bed in silence.

I think about Petrus and how it good it felt when he connected me with the light again.  I knew the light was going to be hard to give up.  But now that everything has gone to hell, it feels that much worse.

I look outside my window, at the night's sky, and think about Day out there, just outside my field of view, silently watching me from afar, protecting me.  I need to stay strong for him, and for Maggie, and for my Mum. 

I will not give in to the light.