NB: The Search (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 23: The Light and Day

I’m in bed.  I can’t sleep.  Maggie dropped me off at home.  The doctors said her aunt will be okay.  I think about the boy.  I don’t really understand how it happened, but I know I killed him.

It felt so right.  I didn’t feel like I was taking a life, I was just fixing a mistake.  I was washing away a bit of darkness from the world.  Now I feel sick.  There is a knot in my stomach.  I want to throw up, but I can’t.  I killed someone.  I took a life.

My room is dark and I’m alone and I’m cold and I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of the light.

“Aaron,” a voice says.  It’s Day.

I open my eyes and he’s there, sitting at the end of my bed.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“I thought we should talk.  How are you holding up?”

“I don’t know.  What happened to the boy?”

“The scene was cleaned up.  Someone talked to Maggie’s aunt.  His death will be reported as a sudden brain aneurism.”

“But I killed him.  What happens to me?”

“Tomorrow happens,” Day says.  “That boy was part of a being called Legion.  Legion has many bodies on this world.  Tomorrow they are going to try to kill you.”

“Why wait until tomorrow?” I ask.

“Bureaucracy,” Damien says.  “The demon world has its hoops and Legion is going by the book with this one.  It makes it a lot harder to stop him.”

I just accept what Day is saying.  It’s no crazier than anything else.  “So, your name is Damien, like Damian, son of the devil?”

“Not exactly subtle, but it gets the point across.”

“And I’m the Sword of God?”

“Yes,” Day says.

“And that’s why you came here, to make me fall for you?”

“To protect you.  We fell for each other long ago.  I was just hoping that you remembered that before you remembered other things.”

“Do you mean the light?” I ask.  I wish I had known to stay away from it.  Although, I don’t know if I could have stayed away even if I knew.  Maggie kept warning me to learn more before I got in too deep but I didn’t listen.

“Parts of the light,” Day says.  “Much of your light comes from the time before the universe, when everything was perfect.  The universe resonated with a singular energy, bliss.  It was pure joy, a joy that came from the constant unchanging.  That is the bliss of the light.  But then that bliss was shattered and there was a war.”

“Between Heaven and Hell?” I ask.  “I heard the myth about the Sword of God.”

 “I remember that story.  Back in those days, you couldn’t have a candid conversation with a monk without starting some sort of cult.  But the war wasn’t about good or evil, at least not in a human sense.  Many of the angels wanted to return to the way things were and collapse the universe.  Others liked the freedom the chaos brought.  And so they split into two factions, angels and demons.  You stayed with Heaven until we met.  And you still hold some of the original light within your soul.  But you also have much more.  In the beginning, the light was singular, but now there are many forms of light, fragments that have changed and new bits trying to imitate that which was.  There are souls searching for total peace and bliss.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?” I ask.

“Because I should have told you all of this before.  It’s who we are.  You see, the war went on.  It went on longer than it should have.  For many, it is still going on.  The two forces are acting in opposition, trying to force the universe back together and tear it apart.  In the back and forth, some stuff started to stick together and act in its own interest.  It acted in unpredictable ways.  We set out to learn about this force.  Both total order and total chaos ultimately mean oblivion.  So, we sought to find a third option, life.  The universe is expanding rapidly now.  Eventually it will die.  To humans it’s too far in the future to worry about, but to us, it’s impending.  We need a new way.   As an angel, you can draw power from bios, from life, as well as the calm. It is harder because you are trying to draw from an ever shifting well, but you used to say that it was more rewarding.  It’s in life that angels and demons can both draw strength.  It’s in life that change can occur without fading into the nothingness.”

“So, I’ve been drawing from the wrong light?” I ask.  I hate the cold and the prospect of a better light appeals to me.  I’m not sure if I deserve it though.

“You once told me that there is a difference between bliss and happiness.  You said bliss was drawing joy from the constants of the universe while happiness was drawing joy from the changing universe.”

“So what happened to me?  Why don’t I know all of this?”

“A thousand years ago a being came to this world.  He calls himself Petrus.  He’s still fighting the old war.  He’s trying to restore Heaven by destroying all demons.  Eventually we crossed his path.  He was hunting someone we loved.  We tried to stop him, but something happened to you and you started to change, slowly at first, and then very quickly.  And then you joined Petrus.  You hunted demons.  You tortured and killed them, trying to shatter their very souls so that they would never resurrect.”

The knot in my stomach tightens.  I hate that I was that person and I’m afraid I’m becoming him again.  I want to cry.  “I’m sorry,” I say.  Day looks at me and smiles.  He has that stupid sweet smile he always gives me.  I don’t deserve to see it.  “Why are you smiling?” I ask.

“For six hundred years you didn’t feel any guilt.  You did terrible things, but you didn’t feel.  It’s good that you hurt.  It means you’re you and not that person who fell to Petrus’s light.  For so long your light was warm and bright and beautiful.  It was filled with love, hope, and happiness.  You embraced life.  And then something happened to you and you were empty.  You didn’t recognize me when you saw me.  Your light was cold.  All you wanted was order and the bliss of perfection.  Life is many things, but it isn’t perfect.  Only in the stillness of death can someone attain perfection.  And you spread so much death.”  I start to sob.  Day hugs me.  “You’re going to have your whole life to find a way to live with your guilt, and it isn’t always easy.  But for now, you have to concentrate on living past tomorrow.”