So many times have people said "Goodbye" to me. Both online and IRL. Maybe they didn't vocally say goodbye, and maybe they did. Maybe they silently left and maybe they didn't.
So many people have said online that they're going to kill themself, all except one being people I look up to. Most didn't succeed, but I know one did. Some didn't go through with it.
So many times have I heard "Life is worth living" from someone wanting to cheer me up, but most not being able to tell themselves the same thing.
So many times have the times my friends need someone the most been the time I've had to sleep and had my iPad taken away, making it impossible to get on at that time. Or the exact moment when I pass out from exhaustion.
So many times have I been scared I'll be abandoned again, thinking everybody hates me and hating myself for being so bad at starting conversations.
So many times have I wanted to bottle up my feelings and stay silent, but not wanting to explode eventually and absent-mindedly venting out my emotions here.
So many times have I been convinced I matter over and over again but it being wiped from my memory and my mind going back into the cycle of self-hate until I eventually give up.
So many times have I wanted to do something to help my friends, but being scared I'll say the wrong thing and shying away.
So many times have I tried to not harm myself, but always ending up doing it anyway.
So many times have I felt on the verge of breaking down because I bottle up too much than I can handle and end up snapping at someone who did nothing wrong.
So many times have I felt on the very edge of attempting suicide and breaking the promise I made because things keep piling up and things just get worse with each day, but continuing to endure, hoping soon I'll get a chance to relax.
So many times have I been told by my mind that I'm worthless, that I'm a freak, that I'm hated, always trying to block the thoughts out and "think of happy thoughts" but ending up failing and my mood getting worse.
So many times have I felt like the ground's collapsing beneath me and the walls are caving in but continuing to push through, wanting to be there for others even if I can't be there for myself.
So many times have I fallen apart, crying until tears no longer come and collapsing in all the stress I allow upon myself.
So many times have I tried to improve, to learn from my mistakes and become a better person but just repeating the same mistakes.
So many times have I felt like I'm suffocating in the waves of worries washing over me. Worries of never being good enough. Worries of never learning. Worries of being abandoned all over again. Worries of never being able to return to the way I was years ago. Worries that I'm breaking someone else without knowing. Worries that I'll never get to become the person I dreamed of becoming. Worries that my fears and phobias will always remain in the way of me communicating and living life. Worries that I'm in the way. Worries that things will never get better. Worries that at any time, all my friends could disappear.
So many times have I wanted to give up, but been pushing through the chains of stress, worries, sadness, depression and anxiety attached to me.
So many times have I thought I should just leave my friends because they'd be better off without me around, but being too scared to and not wanting to be lonely.
So many times have I wanted to be alone, but not wanted to be lonely.
And things still haven't improved.
