Me: *ankles are in serious pain, the others seeming perfectly fine* Am I the only one in pain..?
Rosa: No, I'm in pain too. The only difference is that I don't whine.
Me: ... *averts eyes to the ground* *mind: You're such a crybaby. Even Rosa thinks so and likely the others too* *tears build up and I slightly whimper, trying my best to fight off the thoughts but them refusing to leave* *noticeably crying*
Rosa: Why are you crying?
Me: *can't respond though I want to* *begins internally panicking making everything worse*
Rosa: *keeps pressuring me to speak*
Me: *wants to just escape somewhere private, feeling like the thousands of people around me are judging me* *can't move, only tremble* *starts feeling light headed, anxiety taking over* *thinks: Stop crying, stop crying. Everyone's judging you, stop crying. Please just stop crying* *has absolutely no control over my actions* *panicks more*
Rosa: *keeps pressuring me to speak*
Me: *mind: Such a waste of space. Quit crying, you have no reason to be sad* *panic and insecurities take over my way of thinking, filling my mind with insults and degrading shit and panic preventing me from controlling my body's actions* *suicidal thoughts begin*
-30 minutes later or something-
Me: *still crying, unable to stop*
Rosa: You've cried for so long, quit crying. You said you don't know why you're sad, so you have no reason to cry.
Me: *mind: See? Just a waste of space. Even lying because she wouldn't believe you. So pathetic* I do have a reason, I just don't trust you enough to tell you! *mind: You snapped. You actually snapped. You're so pathetic* *cries more* *doesn't stop until we arrive at a café in which I force myself to quit crying* *literally on the very edge of falling apart* *sits at a table while Rosa goes to order something* *yanks at my hood to make it decently hide my eyes and just acts like my eyes itch whenever tears fall or form*
Edit:
Rosa: *pressures me to come with her to a café*
Me: *quietly with shaking voice: I just want to die. I really just want to die*
