Translation of Love

46

Disintegrate

I haven't left my room for a while.

The first semester of class ended before the New Year, and now we are given two months of break. This was the time I was most excited about. So many possibilities, so many things I can do in two months.

But I'm not excited anymore.

I don't want to leave my room.

Sometimes during the day, and even the night, I can hear knocks on my door. Koko's voice carries through the cracks of the door, asking me to open it. Sometimes she frustratingly swears at me, other times she begs and pleads in a soft voice unlike her own.

But I can't bring my heavy limbs to rise up from the bed; a bed now firmly indented by my body. I only rise to fulfil basic human needs. Drink water, toilet, back to bed. This is a new routine that I've adopted, not a good one, but it is all that my obscure mind can handle. I've grown used to the sharp pains in my stomach; hungry knives that stab against me, screaming at me to give it what it wants. I know I'll have to leave soon to get food, but I'm dreading leaving this cave.

After just a few cycles of the moon falling and rising, I start to notice how much harder it is to even stand up. I try to lift my body up with an arm, an arm that looks paler and much thinner than I remember it—despite it barely being a week.

When my body collapses under the weight of itself, I begin to grow incredibly frustrated. Frustrated by everything. By him, by my body, by this small room, by myself.

I finally stand as I hear the door shake and fumble around. Instead of Koko's voice and soft taps against the wood, someone is holding onto the handle.

The door keeps trembling for a bit before opening. My eyes squint from the bright hallway that shines into the dark room. Koko stands with a security guard beside her, holding keys. She says something to him and he just nods and casually walks away.

Koko stares at me for a bit. Her eyes pose an unreadable expression, her body blocking out the light in a way that makes it push out from behind her, and her hair seemingly glows as a result.

She turns on the light in the room, closes the door, and walks over to me.

"This is enough, don't you think?"

Instead of sounding hostile like I expected, her voice is soft and cautious.

"Do you know how much time you've wasted in here?"

I don't respond.

"It's been six days Summer. Six."

My mind refuses to let my mouth respond. I think it's because my mouth is too dry.

"Look at you," she lightly grabs my bony wrist. "Can you tell me what happened?" She tries to look at my face, but I stare off blankly.

She sighs, "if I bring you food, will you at least eat it?"

I pause, reflecting, realizing how ridiculous I am. I nod slowly. She gets up and leaves the room, making sure that she takes my keycard before she closes the door.

I continue to sit where I am, on the bed, eyes fixated on the wall in front of me.

I'm so stupid. Why am I letting this get to me? Why am I so heartbroken over this? What happened to the girl who seemed to do perfectly fine on her own?

I take this time to slap some sense back into myself, or at least as much of it as I can find.

When Koko returns, with a take-out bag of food, I do my best to look at her; to really look at her.

"I was going to get you McDonalds but I decided against it. A burger and fries probably shouldn't be the first thing your stomach has."

A faint smile forms on my face when I see her alternative. It's a bowl of noodles and broth from a small restaurant we love. You can choose what ingredients you want. I smile even more when I see that she's put in all of the things I always put; bok choy, two boiled eggs, beef, and bean sprouts.

"Eat slowly," she says as she places the bag with the clear takeout container on my lap. I start with the spicy broth. The heat warms up my face as I lift the container to my lips. My stomach clenches with eat slurp of soup that flows down my esophagus.

It tastes so good.

I immediately feel better after the container is emptied of its contents. Koko puts the bag aside and sighs once again as she sits back down.

"I'm sorry," I tell her softly.

"Just tell me what happened, I don't like not knowing what's wrong."

I nod.

"It's stupid really. I just got way too excited about it, about New Years. I was so excited to kiss him and celebrate with all of you. But that girl was there."

"What girl?" She asks.

"His first love, Yerin. He was just so different. Not the boy I know. He completely ignored me, and I know it's because he was surprised, but does she even matter anymore?"

"It can be hard to forget about a first love Summer, even if you've moved on completely."

"Maybe I'm just too naive, too inexperienced. But he pushed me away when I tried to help him. That's what got to me. He pushed me away and stared at me like I was a stranger, no worse, like I was his enemy."

"You know that's not true, he's been worried sick about you."

I stay silent.

"You're not naive. It must have been terrible to feel that way, but can we try to move past it now?"

I nod, "but I don't want to see him. Not yet. I just don't feel well."

She looks at me disappointedly but nods her head in agreeance. After a pause she cautiously speaks again. "Sohee, are you okay? Even before all of this I've noticed you've been... closed off. Is everything else okay?"

I fail to bring any response forward, but it seems to be a good enough answer. She drops her eyes with a soft sigh, hand coming around my back to grasp my shoulder. She slightly pulls me so I lean against her. Even this simple physical contact makes my heart whirl in warmth that I haven't felt in too long —I didn't know I needed it so much.

"I think I'm going to visit my dad for a while," I decide just then.

I think I need a mini get-away to clear my mind.

. . .

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Love,

Sooaura