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kookiemonster to my dearest, my love, my one and only - kim yerim.
ever since you debuted, i had my eyes on you, and commenting on your post was both the best and worst decision i have ever made in my life.
why the best? i got to know you, i got to meet you, i got to talk to you, i got to love you, i got to be your boyfriend. what else could i ask for?
every moment spent with you was simply filled with happiness, and i hope you know that even as you left and we had to part on bad terms, i still love you, and i always will.
why the worst? i simply couldn't fathom how much hate you could be getting, courtesy of me. you know i always tell you to never look at comments and search up what netizens are saying about you because they're all plain idiots and have nothing better to do with their lives than to hate on ours. that's why i never bothered to find out what they always said about you as well.
i always asked you to open up to me, or at least to someone, because bottling up your emotions definitely wouldn't do you any good. but when you went into detail and told me that you found out that those " fans " who were harassing you were actually my fans, i'm genuinely so fucking sorry for how i acted.
i know this is no excuse for how i acted, but how could i believe that the blame was on my precious and dearest fans who supported me since the very first day? i always believed that all they would wish for was for me to be happy, but it looks like that's not true for some of them.
trust me, i was upset with myself too after i yelled at you, saying that you were just spouting nonsense and that if you were going to continue disrespecting my fans, the ones who supported me and allowed me to live my greatest dream of standing on stage, then you should just leave.
it was all in a fit of anger. i swear, i genuinely didn't mean anything i said. right after i said that and you turned around and slammed the door on me, i started crying because i was filled with so much regret.
i wanted to apologise to you so badly, but you blocked off all forms of communication with me and even told your fellow members to not allow me to talk to you, you told the security at your dorm to not let me get pass the gates to see you, and even when we all went out to the amusement park you purposely distanced yourself from me, not once going anywhere close to me, much less talk to me.
i knew you were hurt, but i really didn't expect you to be this hurt. it was only after talking to tae hyung since he said he managed to talk to you about it all when you guys went to get food for everyone, then i realised how badly i fucked up.
when i told chim hyung i wasn't down and i've been really happy, i was lying. i just didn't want them to worry anymore. but i didn't expect you to see that and misunderstand that i meant everything i said and that i was happy without you, because i was simply not. i really never meant what i said, i'm so fucking sorry.
when you posted about the radio show with jaehyun and johnny hyung, i was so worried for you and so i took chim hyung's phone to ask whether you were truly okay. i knew you weren't. when you said that you were so genuinely exhausted, i thought you meant that you were tired of all these misunderstandings and you wanted to clear it up, or have us take a break. i didn't mind, as long as it meant that i wouldn't lose you. you know that i would wait forever for you to be okay again.
but the days went by and i didn't receive anything from you, and i knew something was off. but i still wasn't allowed to talk to you.
even in your final letter, your good heart still shone as you wanted those malicious commenters to learn. you didn't even curse at them for putting you through all that suffering.
i thought you'd be really mad at me, but again, you weren't. even after everything, you still wanted me to be happy, even though it would be without you, and even though you still loved me.
shortly after reading the post, i got a call from joohyun noona, saying that you were already in the hospital and the doctors were saying that things weren't looking too good, so we were all asked to be prepared for the worst. i remember screaming in the practice room and running to our manager, yelling at him to drive us to the hospital immediately.
and even though we managed to reach there in record time, before the doctors and nurses were even done trying to save you, it was still all too late.
now, i won't be able to have you cling onto my arm like a koala and hug me while we watch movies every friday night, i won't wake up to your face whenever we video call till we sleep, i won't ever be able to hear you, see you, or touch you.
and it hurts. but there's nothing i can do about it.
it pains me to write this, but i guess this is goodbye.
goodbye, kim yerim. i miss you, and i love you.
👤 yermsquirtle
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a/n
my other fic has been published, and thank you for coming along this journey with me :-) time to say goodbye to goodbye, final a/n found in next chapter! ❤️
