The Three Blackbourne's

Why I'm Struggling To Write

WARNING: THIS IS MY LIFE AND MY WRITING IS DEPRESSING. DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH MY BULLSHIT.

I'm struggling to write and stay inspired for many reasons. One is that I just started up my depression medication again. Another is that I'm not ready to go back to school. But the most important reason is because of him.

He still haunts me to this day and it's been almost 7 months since he broke my heart. I don't know why I still think about him but he's been in my head a lot lately.

I think I miss the idea of him more than I actually miss our relationship (if you could even call it that).

I feel like you all deserve a reason as to why I'm such a slow, uninspired writer and maybe telling my story will help me move on as well. My story isn't something involving rape or abuse but it's the first taste of romance I'd ever received. And goddamn do I miss it.

We will call him X and I will refer to myself as Y. I created a DDLG application on Tumblr because I was alone and sad. I wanted to love someone and have them care for me in return so I made the choice to put myself out there. After three days of no luck (fake Daddies, too LDR, etc.) I was ready to give up. But then X messaged me.

He was four years older than me but I didn't care as I was too desperate and idiotic at this point. He lived close to me (2 hours away) and I was excited at the idea of having a Daddy I could possibly meet with. We talked all day everyday and that weekend I became his little. It was amazing as we never ran out of things to talk about and he seemed like an amazing person.

But after a week and a half he began to grow distant. I became confused but eventually figured out what the problem was.
               _________________________

Y sat in study hall nervously looking at her phone. She chewed on her lower lip in frustration as her thumb hovered over the send button. She had spent the last 30 minutes writing a message to X asking if he didn't want to be with her anymore. But she didn't have the courage or strength to hit send.

Taking a deep breath she quickly pressed the button and slammed her phone on the table. Her teacher looked up in alarm and she apologized quickly. All she could think about was the final sentence she wrote.

"Do you even want me anymore?"

                _______________________

I'm sure you can all piece together what happened. I remember going into the bathroom stall and crying my eyes out silently as to not giving away what was happening. Everything hurt and I felt like I was dying. The worst part was that I couldn't even tell my friends or my mom (who's my best friend) what had happened as they wouldn't understand.

I was grieving for about a month when my attitude finally picked up. I began smiling and laughing more and I felt like I could finally move on.

But then he messaged me.

                  _____________________

Y stares down at her phone is shock, her hands shaking slightly.

"Are you okay?" Her mother asked worriedly but Y quickly masked her fear with a smile and nodded.

"I'm okay mama" she whispered.

Y looks back to her phone and reads the message once, twice, three times before finally registering what X had written. He said he couldn't stop thinking about being with her and he wanted to take her out on a date.

Dumbly, Y agreed.

                    ___________________

We began talking again and I started getting excited. We agreed to go out on the following Saturday after exams so we'd both be free. I lied to my mom and told her I was hanging out with a friend and she believed me. I still feel sick over how much I lied to her.

X and I got close and everything felt the same again. I even started calling him Daddy. And then it was the fateful day of our date. My very first date ever. I was nervous and excited but now it makes me feel like screaming.

He took me to Build-A-Bear. A littles dream date and bought me the cutest little teddy bear. I named it after him but now the damn thing is buried in my closet. We drove around and got lunch, laughing and talking about everything and nothing. It was beautiful and I began to open up to him.

But then I got stupid. We kissed. And kissed more. And I sucked him off in the back of his car at my schools parking lot. I hate myself for it. I gave him my first date, my first kiss, and my first sexual experience. I wanted to wait until I was married to do anything but after all these years and the way he made me feel I couldn't help it.

I want to hurt myself daily for it.

I went home after the date with a silly smile on my face and excitement coursing through my veins. I had a Daddy. A real Daddy. Or so I thought. But then he grew distant again that night and I began crying as I wrote him. He couldn't stand the age and 2 hour location difference. It was never a problem until now.

So I gave up. I blocked him on everything and cried for weeks. I thought about him whenever I was in a car or when I went to the mall. Every place I go reminded me of him.

It took me SIX FUCKING MONTHS to start breathing again. I started feeling like I could block him out. Forget he was ever a part of my life. I could act like he was a bad dream I could just move on from. But then he had to go and pop up on Tumblr. He made a fucking application with his face EVERYWHERE. I COULDN'T ESCAPE HIM. I still feel tapped.

So that's why I'm struggling. Because I can't move on. Because nobody will want me like he did. Because the world is a cruel and painful place. Because I can't get inspired to write a love story when I know nothing about the topic.

I'm sorry. I'll finish the story I promise. But asking me to "please update" won't make me go any faster. I need to do things in my own time. Please understand that. I don't mean to make you guys wait. I promise I'll get back to it soon.