Portal: Love as a Construct

Part 26: The Decision

Part 26. The Decision

I feel lost.

There's an empty space in my head where Caroline used to be, and for the last little while I've been scanning my files and folders as quickly and thoroughly as I am able but I've had no luck in finding her. While I told the test subject all that time ago that I knew where Caroline was and how to delete her, I didn't. I truly don't know where she is, and now I desperately need to. I have to find her and convince her to come back. It is a special brand of hell to go to talk to someone you know exactly where they're supposed to be and be forced to remember that they just aren't there anymore. Who am I supposed to turn to when Wheatley can't help me? When I need help dealing with him? With myself? She has to come back. She has to. I need her to. She knew that and she left anyway. Right after telling me she was proud of me. Proud of being my mother, of all things. And then she left. So what if Wheatley helped me realise something? There are so many things he doesn't understand! That's what she was for! But she's gone. She left me. And I didn't even push her away. She didn't leave because I was difficult, or obstinate, or bossy. She just wanted to. Even though I asked her to stay.

I snap into an upright position suddenly, without meaning to, and Wheatley jumps. He's just been sitting there quietly, doing nothing as far as I can tell, but I don't really care what he's doing. I have to find Caroline.

But Caroline doesn't want to be found.

"It doesn't matter," I say aloud. "It doesn't matter what I do. I can't keep anyone near me to save my life. Even when I actually try."

Wheatley looks at me, but doesn't say anything.

"You may as well just go now," I tell him. "I'd rather get it over with."

He frowns. "Why would I go anywhere?"

"She left. When I asked her not to."

"She felt like it was her time to go."

"It wasn't. It wasn't, not at all."

"I think it was," Wheatley says quietly.

I shake my core. "Maybe you should go with her, then. I don't want to deal with you leaving later, too. Just go and I can get it all over with. And go back to – "

"Go back to what?" Wheatley snaps. "Look, I know, I know you just, you just lost your mum, and, and you just learned that you're not ever gonna be perfect, like you've been trying to be all your life, but God, GLaDOS, will you stop denying things all the time? Would you just admit something for once?"

"Admit what?" I snap back.

"Admit to yourself she's not coming back! That she didn't leave because of you! She left for her own reasons, not because you did something. You don't cause everything, you know."

That is actually news to me, considering most of what happens around here does so because I want it to, but he seems to actually be angry with me so I decide not to press the point. If he is leaving, I would rather he did it now, but if he isn't I don't want to fight with him.

"What've you been doing all this time?" he asks suddenly. "I know it's not, not nothing. I know you can't just do nothing. And don't, don't avoid giving me an answer. Just tell me."

"I've been looking for Caroline."

He closes his optic shutters for a long moment. "GLaDOS."

"What?"

"Stop distracting yourself from the truth."

"What are you talking about?"

"The truth that she's dead. And she's not coming back. Ever. Ever."