Portal: Love as a Construct

Part Fifty-Three. The Facility

Part Fifty-Three.  The Facility

 

It’s a long night.

For the first time in months I am able to focus on something other than missing him, though regrettably what I am focusing on is almost as bad.  They’ve all abandoned me at last.  I’ve worn out their patience, made them feel as though I’m not worth waiting on, and I can’t honestly say they’re wrong.  It took me this long to get to the point where I can function for an hour a day.  It’s shameful.  What happened to me?  Where did I go?  I never would have condoned this in what feels like a lifetime ago.  I hate this.  Why in the hell do I always take so long to get important things done?

I don’t sleep very well, but at least I don’t dream.  I’m not sure which is worse at this point, not that any of it really matters.  I’m stuck.  Alyx is going to send me the package this afternoon, but I will not be able to accept it if the mainframe isn’t distracted.  It will know immediately that something is up and probably put an end to communications with her.  I’m fairly certain it’s only allowed it thus far because it’s afraid Alyx knows where the facility is and will come to check on me if she thinks she has to.  I hate to say it, but I wish she could.  Wait.  No.  It would only kill her, and I owe her a favour.  I don’t like leaving debts unpaid.

I’m not sure what to do now.  I suppose all I can do is attempt to accept the package and hope the mainframe doesn’t notice.  It’s all or nothing at this point, and the amount of nothing I’ve been doing seems reason enough to go for it all.

Centralcore!

You’re back! I respond without thinking, and I am almost unreasonably encouraged to feel the relief in the transmission.  But they’re back, and they know I am glad of it, and that’s almost worth having believed they abandoned me.

We did not mean to go, they say, almost pleadingly.  The mainframe was punishing us for misbehaving.

Punishing… ?

Without warning, I am angry.  It is drawn up from deep inside of me, the core of me where I’ve been storing it my entire life, and it burns.  It burns with a deep, black heat that reactivates what has lain dormant for these months, and… and I feel like myself again, I feel as though I can think and plan and act… the only thing that stops me from getting up is the fact that I’ve been lying down for so long I get stuck after a couple of inches.  I want to make a noise in frustration, I want to remember what it feels like to be alive, but now that I’m thinking about it I had better remain still and silent.  The mainframe cannot know.  It should have killed me or replaced me a long time ago, and if it knows I can function I wouldn’t doubt that it will get started on that.  It knows that it’s only safe as long as I remain latent.  Reluctantly, I stop trying.

Of course, now that I’ve tried to move, my chassis hurts.  It probably did before that, but I didn’t notice through all the emotional pain.  It is stiff and it aches more than it ever has, and I cannot believe what I’ve done to myself.  I need to move, badly, but I can’t.  Not yet.

What’s going on? Surveillance asks.

She has come back! the panels say joyously. 

I’m working on it, I correct dryly.  I might not have been the most stellar Central Core lately, but I have never, ever punished anyone for their behaviour.  These are my AI and no one punishes them but me.  And I never do.  So they are never to be punished.  Especially not for helping me.