As You Wish

Bleeding Out

You hour of reckoning had come and gone, and though you didn't yet understand the magnanimity of what was happening, you knew in your heart that you had made the right choice. Even so, it didn't prevent the rest of you from doubting that, given the nature of what you were about to do.

Desperately, conflicted about ruining what was the best moment of your life, you pulled yourself away from him. You had so much you wanted to ask. You were about to give yourself away, to someone worthy, but you couldn't be sure then, if you were in love, it was all happening so fast, and you weren't married. Could you ever marry him, marry Sebastian? Would he even be able to be a part of such a service? It wasn't like going into a cathedral set him on fire. Crucifixes didn't burn him when he touched them, but in spite of all the evidence around you indicating otherwise, you worried that he could never truly be what you wanted him to be.

Could Sebastian Michaelis ever really love anyone? He was still a demon, after all.

"I don't..." you stopped, suddenly indecisive. You both were fully undressed, uncovered by anything except the lightening water around you. It would take hours for it to clear, but you felt rushed, like that wasn't enough time. You took your hand from his, the ring you wore felt heavy, though everything else felt so light. Well, almost everything. The parts of you that were still harmed were weighing you down, too. "...I don't know if this is a good idea."

Affronted, but verily cautious, he tried to reason with you. "Why? Isn't it what you wanted?"

"If we do this..." your hand still felt so so heavy, as though you were carrying the weight of the world. "Won't it make things complicated?"

"Are they not already complicated?" He asked sincerely, genuinely, without a trace of sarcasm.

"I always thought it would be a sin to do this with anyone before I was married, let alone someone like..." your voice trailed off; you turned away from him.

"Someone like me." He sounded crestfallen. This was all just inconceivable.

"I told you that was a promise I made myself, made God." You couldn't get past it. This was still a choice you could regret. You were no longer a virgin, but that was due to a mere technicality, not something you could control. Actually deciding to lose that innocence, forsaking your covenant, that was your burden alone. "I'm still wearing it, Sebastian. I don't think I should."

"Why not? It's only a ring, not a pair of shackles."

"It means a lot to me!" You weren't able to be as angry as you wanted. He wasn't being facetious. He understood what you were going through, and was honestly trying to help you. "All this time I was so sure. My beliefs were unambiguous. I knew what was wrong, and what was right. Or at least I thought I did." You raised your hand, now with the strength to do what you couldn't before. "I don't...I don't think I want to wear it after all."

Sebastian took your hand and flipped it over, inspecting it, like he was searching for a tangible form of proof of your ring's significance, before placing it upright in his, so you both were looking at the slim, silver band at the same time. You pictured a different one before, when you would be doing something like this, and for a fleeting moment, the way the light had faded, the silver flashed gold. A sparkle as though a diamond was there made you question your sanity. Perhaps those men had done damage to your brain when your head hit the ground.

No, you seemed pretty lucid. You looked up again, and couldn't deny it. You didn't care that this wasn't what you expected. You hadn't planned on almost dying either, had you? You weren't God. You couldn't control everything. Neither of you could, though you struggled in vain, wanting more than anything else to posses even a portion of such power. Your prior determination, your unbreakable conviction, one which never faltered, when you always knew exactly what you believed, now seemed too simple.