Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 8 - Faith

I played with the hem of the floral dress I had on as I sat in church.  I hadn't even sort of tuned in for Pastor Jim's sermon, instead my mind wandered as I stared out the window. It was sunny out. We were hosting the church lunch, which meant when church was over Simon, my parents and I would rush home to get last minute things done before everyone showed up. It had started as just a couple families having lunch together after church and quickly led into a group of 50. We alternated families, some hosted at their house, sometimes we took over the local coney. It was usually the same group of families. As bad as it sounded, because it wasn't like we wouldn't include other families but it was our click. Tori's parents, Simon's best friend and his parents, and so on. It was the people either Simon, Elijah and I had hung out with or the people my parents did.

I didn't usually mind these lunches, especially when they were at someone else's house. But ever since Elijah died I hated having everyone at our house. We would laugh and my parents would be animated and light hearted, Simon would be all smiles and helpful hands, and I would just be sitting there wanting to scream "it's all fake!"

Maybe that was an exaggeration but we weren't this happy, unbroken family. We were supposed to be a family of five but there were only four of us. And I felt like everyone was sweeping our fifth member under the rug, especially at the church lunches. I didn't understand why everyone was so afraid to say his name. It wasn't that hard. It was only six letters. Elijah. Not that difficult.

Simon nudged me causing me to jump in my seat. I spun my head around to look at him, thankful I had pulled my hair into a braid. I didn't end up with a mouthful of it. He nodded toward the front of the church, a clear indicator he knew I wasn't paying an ounce of attention. I humored him and let my mind wander while staring at the front of the church, pastor Jim paced back and forth on the stage, talking with his hands.

I wondered if Simon still believed wholeheartedly in God. I mean maybe it was different for him, he had been the one driving when the car accident happened. It was deemed not his fault. They got hit by a drunk driver. A middle aged woman who had one too many cocktails apparently. I wondered if she hated herself. Hate was such a strong word and up until the accident I had always tried not to use it. But I was pretty certain I hated her.

I really just couldn't see how my parents and Simon still seemed like God was the answer. I knew that God apparently had a plan for everyone but I'm sorry, Elijah was just a kid. A kid with an amazing heart. A kid who could have grown up to be someone incredible except for Debra Collins on February 23. She took away all of what Elijah could be in an instant and for no good reason. What sort of plan was that God?

I'll tell you what kind. A crappy one.

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I sunk down to my knees, shifting as carefully as I could to my hip without spilling my lunch. My flimsy paper plate was piled high with a hot dog, baked beans, fruit salad, potato salad, some rainbow jello, and half of a cob of corn. Tori folded herself into a similar position, the kelly green dress she had on riding up her thighs much higher than mine.

"So give me the details on your date." I said to her, licking mustard off my finger.

I only asked because I knew she was dying to tell me. I was tired of hearing about her dates and the various guys she thought were cute. And I no longer possessed the patience and understanding I once had for her.

"Okay so his name's Chase and he's totally amazing." She sat her food down in the grass. "We went to the movies and then we went to the coney and we just talked and talked. I already feel like I've known him for like years, you know?" She pulled her phone out, a little squeal exiting her. "He just texted me."

I continued eating, knowing that she would be too focused on her phone to carry on a conversation. There was a consistent murmur through our backyard as everyone settled down with plates of food in the sunshine.

I finished my plate, Tori's still barely touched food on the grass, a little village of ants parading on it. She was smiling ear to ear, her fingers flying across her screen as fast as they could go. I awkwardly wiggled my way to a standing position, ready for some sweatpants and a quiet house.

"Want me to throw your plate out?" I asked Tori.

She broke her eyes from the screen, glancing up at me before looking at her ant covered plate.

"Ew. No I'll get it. Chase has to go to work anyway." She told me.

She shimmied her dress down as she stood, grabbing her plate from the ground. The two of us headed for the garbage.

"Want to go for a walk?" Tori asked me. "Like around the neighborhood?"

It beat lingering around my house, pretending that I was still the old Faith.

"Sure."

We discarded our plates in the garbage and slipped out of the front door. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky. It was a perfect day with a warm breeze. Tori and I fell into sync as we walked in silence. 

We'd been friends since third grade. Her family had moved from across the state halfway through the year. It didn't take long for us to become friends, we were in the same class, they started going to church and they lived only ten minutes away. Tori and I didn't talk about our faith personally but I had the idea she only went along with it to appease her parents. It was never anything we talked about. There was a lot we didn't talk about actually.

"Do you think when you go to college you'll still go to church?" I asked her suddenly.

I had always assumed that I would go to church whether I lived with my parents or not. But I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go anymore and was just going through the motions for everyone else.

Tori looked at me, a chunk of her long brown hair falling in front of her shoulder.

She shrugged. "Honestly, probably not."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I mean sure I believe in God and stuff but church is just so...boring." I studied her profile, her eyes down as she walked. "I'm not like you Faith. I can't only see the good in everything. And I don't know if I want to either."

If only she knew I didn't anymore. That Faith was gone.

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@MaraudersUpsidedown thanks for being my only reader on this story. Apparently no one likes it but I do and you keep reading it so that must mean something. -DBR