Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 90 - Faith

I already had 6 missed calls from Toby, 4 voicemails and a handful of texts. I hadn't listened to the voicemails but I figured they said about the same thing as the texts did.

I didn't have anything to say to him.

Yet there I was, hiding under my blankets, scrolling through his Facebook. We had never became friends on Facebook, probably because I never used mine but I also didn't have a friend request from him. The last time I was on mine was shortly after Elijah had passed. I put up a picture of him and a scripture.

I still remember the passage, I was desperate to believe that God hadn't left us, that he hadn't turned his back on us when he took Elijah. I read Isaiah 49:14-16 so many times following Elijah's death that I doubt I'd ever forget it.

"But Zion said, 'The Lord has forsaken me, my Lord has forgotten me.' Can a woman forget her nursing-child, or show no compassion for the child of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me. "

I felt just like Zion, only I knew now that there wasn't a God. He had forgotten me. And he hadn't shown me any compassion. Toby was proof.

I wiped at the tears that were still flowing relentlessly. I wasn't sure they'd ever stop.

I scrolled through Toby's Facebook, looking at the tons of pictures of him in the air, his skateboard in his hand, wind whipping his dark hair around, the countless likes and comments. There wasn't any evidence he was ever sick, just a gap in time when there were no pictures of him skateboarding. The past few years scarce on photos altogether except for a handful of him just hanging out with the guys. He had hid it from me so well. I wondered if he had gone through and deleted pictures, deleted well wishes from people posting on his wall.

I never would have thought he'd be like that but I also never would have thought he'd lie to me. Especially about something so big.

A knock rapped against my closed door. The knob turning.

"Faith?" Simon's voiced followed, deep and low.

I poked my head out from under my covers, locking my phone to hide the evidence that I was Facebook stalking Tobias. Simon appeared from around the door.

"Huh?"

"You busy?"

I sat up, wiping away my tears with the corner of my blanket. I folded my legs cross cross and waited for him to come in.

He closed my door behind him. We hadn't spoken a word since we pulled apart from the hug we shared earlier. I knew better than to get my hopes up but unfortunately I had. And my heart sunk even more when everyone just disappeared to their designated corners of the house.

Simon stood awkwardly in the center of my room. His hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans. I didn't know what this was, what he wanted, what he expected of me so I just sat there. The two of us not talking as usual.

It wasn't until he picked up the photo of Elijah I had next to my bed, that I saw the whirl of emotions fighting within. He wasn't stoic Simon anymore and he was crumbling fast.

"I miss him so bad." His voice quivered as he talked.

I watched Simon's eyes leak tears. He wasn't holding them back, he wasn't hiding them anymore.

"I'm so sorry Faith." He looked up at me, his blue eyes the same color that Elijah's were but his were broken. "I'm sorry he's gone. You guys always had this incredible bond, I was kinda jealous honestly. I never had that with either of you."

I don't think I ever stopped crying but if I had, a whole new round of tears would have been bursting from my eyes. I was afraid to speak, afraid to say anything in fear Simon would stop talking.

"I'm sorry I didn't pay closer attention that night. That I didn't see her coming."

Simon blamed himself. I could see it now. I could see it in the way his shoulders slumped, the way his blue eyes never shined, how he withheld smiles, how he had secluded himself. I could see now that he wasn't blocking me out, he was holding himself in.

The ugly thoughts I had told Toby came rushing to my mind. I felt sick to my stomach, disgusted with myself that I had even thought them. Worse I had said them aloud. Sitting there, on my bed, seeing for the first time how badly Simon was hurting, made me regret all the things I'd said.

"It wasn't your fault." My own voice wavered, my vision blurry as I watched him through teary eyes.

His lips turned up in a sad smile. "Yeah, that's what they say."

"No Simon." I pressed, climbing off the bed. For the second time today, we hugged. This time, my own doing. "It wasn't your fault, everyone knows it, no one blames you. Stop blaming yourself."

My words were urgent and demanding. He had to understand that no one was blaming him, that I wasn't blaming him. That I was glad I got to keep at least one brother, even if it had taken me a while to realize it.

We stood like that for minutes. My face pressed hard against him, my tears staining his shirt. He was shaking, trying to choke back his sobs. But he needed this, we needed this. We needed to share our grief. We needed to unburden ourselves of Elijah's black hole. Even if our parents never did, Simon and I could.

When we finally pulled apart, we let out a small laugh. Both of us new to the affection we had shown. It had always been Elijah and me.

"Mom and dad want to talk to you." He finally said, his face wet with tears.

I nodded. "Yeah okay."

"I'm sorry Faith."

He wasn't talking about that night anymore and he wasn't talking about Elijah. He was talking about us. And all the years we could have been friends.

"I'm sorry too."

And I meant it. Maybe if Simon and I had been closer before Elijah's death, maybe we wouldn't have suffered for so long alone. We could have leaned on each other, he could have supported each other.

There would never be anything that could fix the fact that Elijah was gone.

But Simon and I still had each other. We had both loved Elijah. And we had both lost him. And we were in this new broken Elijah-less life together. Maybe together we could find away to put it back together.

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I love this story. I don't know about you all but it's got me all up in the feels. And I'm writing it 😂.