Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 92 - Faith

Toby hadn't stopped calling. He hadn't left anymore voicemails or texts but he still called. And every time he does I watch his name flash across my screen until it goes black again and alerts me of the missed call I didn't actually miss. I've thought about answering it. About hearing his voice, seeing him. I've wondered if it'd feel the same, if we could fit together like we did before or if now our edges were bent unable to fit. I've thought about what he'd say. What his explanation is. But I wasn't any closer to being able to hear it. To forgive him.

I knew he was sorry.

But everyone's sorry once they've been caught.

"Hey." Tori's voice broke me from my thoughts.

She was standing in my door way.

"Hi." I scooted over, her signal to come join me on my bed.

"How are you?" She asked, discarding her purse on the heap of clothes piled on my chair.

I shrugged. I wasn't sure yet.

I had dropped off the face of the earth for a couple days. Not talking to anyone but Simon and my parents. We had all agreed that maybe it wasn't just my parents that needed therapy, that maybe we all did. It was funny, for as hurt as I was, for how angry I still was at Toby, he had actually done something good. He had forced us to talk. And I was thankful. For that at least.

"Okay." I told her.

She climbed onto my bed next to me, our shoulders pressed against each other. She didn't say anything at first, which was fine with me. My family had gone so long without talking it was like we were trying to make up for lost time. All we had done was talk, and cry, and talk, and cry some more. I was exhausted. And as hypocritical as it sounded, I didn't want to talk. At least for a little bit.

"I didn't know you wanted to talk about him." Tori said, her eyes down, voice thick. "About Elijah."

I looked over at her, she had started crying and I could feel my own tears stinging the back of my eyes at the sight.

"I didn't want to make you upset by bringing him up." Her voice hitched.

It was then that I realized maybe Tori was grieving too. That maybe she missed Elijah. She always joked that he was the little brother she never had. My heart twisted in my chest at the realization. I had been so caught up in my own grief and my own problems that I hadn't noticed that Tori was grieving Elijah, just like I was.

"I'm sorry." I blurted.

Tori's eyes widened. "What are you sorry for? I'm the one tha..."

I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close. "I'm sorry it took me so long to see that you miss him too."

There was no stopping the tears. And even though I wanted a break from crying and all the emotions, I wanted to heal the broken relationships in my life. Even the ones I didn't realize I had broke.

                              ————————

Hours later, Tori and I were still on my bed. We had gone through the whole gambit of emotions. Sobbing, laughing, crying, angry, sad, happy. We recounted memories and told stories of Elijah, each one made me feel closer to him. We both let out a yawn, we'd been passing them back and forth for while.

"So are you going to talk to Tobias?" Tori asked, our tears dried for the moment.

It was a question I had asked myself a few times. And I still wasn't any closer to an answer.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "Would you?"

"Probably." She said instantly. "After you left Perrin's that day, he almost tried to start a fight with Perrin. Blaming him for telling you. Lars stopped him." She said when my eyes widened.

Toby was always so stable, so calm.

"Perrin asked him what he said and Tobias looked at me and said that he had Elijah's heart."

It felt so good hearing Elijah's name again. I could practically feel the black hole shrinking every time someone said it out loud.

"I was so angry with him Faith. If he hadn't stormed out the door I probably would have punched him." Her eyes filled with tears. "I hate saying this but I was so angry that he was alive and Elijah wasn't." She paused, dropping her eyes away. "Probably makes me a bad person."

I had the very same thoughts. But every time I wanted them to settle into my brain, into my heart, something stopped me. It wasn't old Faith and her ways that had been pounded into me. And it wasn't new Faith she was impulsive and indecisive. I was starting to believe it was Elijah. Like maybe he was there, in some other form. And maybe he was trying to stop me from blaming Toby.

But whatever it was, I didn't want Toby to not be here.

"I'm still angry but now I just want answers." Tori said. "But they're your answers, not mine."

I studied her face, her brown eyes stilled pooled with tears, her brown hair spilling over her shoulders. Tori had always been my best friend but now she felt more like a sister. In just a few short hours we had built a bridge between each other, filling the space of unsaid things. I felt like I could tell her absolutely anything, that I could trust her without a doubt, that she'd always been in my corner. Because I finally realized we shared more than just a friendship. We shared Elijah.

"I just don't know if I can stand to see him." I admitted.

"Do you still love him?" She asked.

I nodded my head.

"That's the problem, I do. But I feel so hurt that he lied about it and for so long. Why would he do something like that?" That was another question I had asked myself repeatedly over the past few days. "I just can't figure out why he would go about it the way he did. Was I just some joke?"

Tori squeezed my hand. "The only person that can answer that is him. You know that."

"Yeah, but it still doesn't make it any easier."

"What do you think Elijah would tell you do?"

My eyes danced between hers. Elijah was always so forgiving. He was always looking to see things from every perspective. He was so empathetic, it had all just came so natural to him. I was not that way. It didn't matter if it was old Faith or new Faith. It was something I had to work at and honestly I wasn't sure if I could forgive Toby. I had always thought that falling in love would be a one time thing for me. And I guess maybe it still would be, maybe I'd never love again, but maybe I also wouldn't get my fairytale either.

                               ————————

I survived Chicago and the car rides! We had a lot of fun even if the Windy City was especially windy and chilly over the weekend. I'm already planning a trip down mid summer without kids so I can party! Haha who am I kidding, I'm old af. I'll probably just go to bed early and wake up early haha. One can dream though and in those dreams I'm partying till the sun comes up.

Also I've added a couple chapters so I think we'll be ending more toward chapter 100.