Everything | Jenzie

f i f t e e n

Mackenzie's POV

*The dashes indicate a time change, some are bigger than others it makes sense dw abt it.

Numbness.

I couldn't feel anything.

I was stuck in my head.

Nothing made sense.

Time didn't exist. Each day was like the next, I barely spoke, I found it hard to move, my body was heavy, my mind a whirlpool.

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 I couldn't stop the thoughts, I didn't want to. I was sick everyday, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I shut everyone out, I couldn't cope. Everything changed, everything was different. 

There was nothing to live for anymore. I couldn't laugh, I had multiple panic attacks, people left me. Brynn left me, I know she didn't want too, but she didn't want to keep on fighting, like I don't want to keep on breathing.

I was lost, I didn't know what to do with my life, I couldn't see my future anymore, everything was black, everything hurt, it hurt to think, it hurt to breathe, it hurt to speak. What was the point of living?

The Orlando's and my family were the only people who stood by me, Lauren gave up her spot as a popular kid for me, Johnny risked getting beat up so many more times for me. All of these people, changing their lives because of me, all of these people leaving everything, for me. 

For me.

I wasn't worth it, they deserved their own lives. 

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It was all too much.

I got five envelopes and some parchment paper before beginning to write.

I wasn't me anymore, I would never be the same again and I hated it. I couldn't do it anymore. 

I put on a white dress, it was the one my real father got me before he died. I put on some red lipstick and kissed all the envelopes, signing them, before putting my hair into two french braids, no shoes, I didn't want shoes. 

I left my room, slipping an envelope under Maddie's door, she was out with Jack so she would see it when she came back. 

I left one on the kitchen counter for my mom, "I'm going to meet John Mom, I love you." I say walking through the living room to see her watching tv.

"Love you Kenz, get home safely." I kissed her on the cheek.

I drove to the Orlando's, Lauren was at cheer practice and Johnny was waiting for me in the cabin. I walked inside, leaving Johnny's envelope on his bed and Lauren's on hers. Tears were streaming out of my eyes as I sat on Johnny's bed, all the memories, when I was happy, all here, I'm going to miss him so much. "I love you Johnny Vincent Orlando." I whisper, sending him a voice memo on imessage, and leaving the Orlando residence for the last time. 

I drove to Brynn's house, dropping the letter outside before walking off, down the cobblestone steps, into my car. I didn't know where I was headed, I didn't know where I was going to go, what I was going to do, I just knew I needed to leave. 

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I didn't know how long I was driving for, I couldn't tell the time, but I knew I was ready.

There was a bridge up ahead and I let go of the steering wheel, all I remember was the impact, flying off the bridge into the water, my lungs were burning but I sat there, strapped in, still, silent, waiting. Until I slipped away... Away to my dad, away to whoever was up there.

I'm sorry. 

I'm so so sorry.