September

0.6: Tatiana - Espoir

Her fingers were grasped onto the chain of her necklace. There was something about the feeling of that chain between her fingers that calmed her nerves.

She glanced at it, and read the words quietly, it felt good to say the words, even though it brought back a thousand memories.

Hope, and espoir. Hope was written on the front side and on the back espoir.

That was his favorite French word. She remembered when she'd asked him what his favorite French word or phrase was. He had a simple answer, "Espoir"

She started wearing the necklace to remind her of him. Her parents had gotten it for her when she was little. She wasn't sure exactly how old she was, but she was old enough to remember.

Tatiana
12/27/20__

There's a song that always comes on the radio with a line. 'Why do we fall in love so easy, when it's not right?'
In my case it was right. You were the one for me, I just know it.

It was right but I messed it up. I must admit that realization hurts, but the truth sometimes hurts. It hurts so bad that it hurts physically, and my heartaches. I've said lots of stupid things to convince myself that I was over you. I've said I only think of you occasionally. And that I wouldn't change anything, but I would.

I would stay with you, I would never let you go. I know that you, in return would never let me go.

I don't know whether you hate me for what I did, or if you've already forgiven me. Your heart was always forgiving, even if the person didn't deserve it.

But would you forgive me if you knew I said I'd never change September? If you knew I said I wouldn't change breaking up with him, due to my insecurities? Because I felt I'd hurt you in the long run. But what was the difference between what I did, and what could have possibly happened in the future?

Nothing.

Lately, I can't sleep. The voices in my head keep talking. They remind me of all the things I'd like to do over again. They remind me of all my mistakes.

Last night, I slept for twenty minutes. But the crazy thing is I feel fine. I made coffee this morning, the way you showed me. And that reminded me of you, and the next thing I knew, I had smeared makeup on my face.

It's crazy to think it's been only three months, and maybe it's not enough time to say for certain. But I'm sure I'll never get over you.