Temptation Of Grey

Chapter 13 - Confessions

She looked over at him. His body was slightly blurred by the fine steam that floated above the pool. He sat upright in the water, leaning against the rock face, just as she had done recently, the difference was only that half of his torso sticking out of the water because of his size. He looked at her with half-closed eyelids.

His pupils reflected the light of the fire and she got the impression, as if his eyes were lit from the inside out. 'Like a predator,' she thought, 'like a proud and beautiful but dangerous predator.' She had thought the same about him a few days ago as he approached her through the clearing. Now in the darkness, in this cave, her impression was intensified. Although naked and unarmed in this basin, she didn't doubt for a second that he was still dangerous.

'But I'm the same,' she mused, 'powerful and dangerous when needed.' He was probably one of the few, if not the only, individual in the galaxy that was nearly similar to her. That was presumably the reason, why the friendship with Finn, Poe, Rose and the other colleagues of the resistance was warm and affectionate, but always with a certain limit. This limit could not be exceeded, because a closer relationship here would always mean a large imbalance.

'But Ben is equal to me,' she thought, as she saw him sitting there, as still as a statue, her eyes fixed on her, 'the same raw power trapped in a body of flesh and blood. The same loneliness that goes with this power. The same burden.' The knowledge of not being alone with this role, which she had been assigned, calmed and relieved her. 'Did he feel the same way with her?' she thought further. 'I am going to find that out.'

"Would you like to come out of the water and have something to eat?" she asked him without revealing her previous thoughts. "I want to stay in the water for a while longer," he bent his back slightly, cocking his head back and sighing contentedly. "But I'd like to have something to eat and talk to you, if you want to." He looked at her sublimely, his eyebrows raised slightly.

Rey shrugged, "Why not," she said, taking the two bowls of the newly-regenerated food rations from the fire, laying some logs, and then sitting cross-legged on one side of the pool on the wide flat edge and handing him his bowl.

She looks so wonderful, he thought fascinated. As she sat there, cross-legged again, his too-large shirt trembling around her well-trained and yet feminine body, the long curls flowing openly over her shoulders. He was attracted to her like an asteroid from a sun. He needed to be closer to her. It was not a matter of choice, it was pure male instinct.

He rose slightly and came to her through the basin, but made sure to keep the lower part of his body covered with water. When he stood in front of her, she was astonished that he himself was taller standing in the pool than she was outside the water. He came to the very edge - closer than he needed to be - and leaned over her outstretched hand with the bowl to sniff at it. "Mmmh ..." he grumbled, "a true feast," and grinned his mouth in an ironic light smile.

Ben was so close that some wet drops reached the hem of the shirt, which more or less effectively covered Rey's legs. Her pulse quickened - a thing that unfortunately seemed to be a permanent problem in his presence - but she looked up at him with narrow eyes and pointedly replied, "I think hunger will make it possible for you to eat anyway, Your Highness."

She saw that he was suppressing a smile and instead tried to show his usual austere face. "You should not be so naughty, little Scavenger, or I'll have to think up a suitable punishment for you." He had supported his hands on the left and right of her knees on the edge of the pool and leaned even further to her. She bent her back to get some distance and looked at him irritated. 'Was he just flirting with her?' she thought in surprise.

She did not take his eyes off him and said, "I do not think I have to be particularly scared of you in the current situation, you're naked like a baby and you're standing in a slippery natural tub." She raised an eyebrow, tilted her head slightly as if she had to think, then said with a grin, "No, I can handle a nude-as-a-baby-Ren, I suppose."

Now a diabolical grin sneaked into his face and he said: "Naked and in this slippery natural tub, you can be back very quickly if I want this, then the whole situation would be balanced again."

'No, the situation would not be more balanced, she would be totally out of control if he did that,' she thought, breathing heavily. She blushed and squinted, "You'll stay that way or we'll really get into trouble with each other, I'm glad my hair is pretty dry again, so stop bothering me and take your food ration, I thought you wanted a conversation and not a duel. "

"Yes, I wanted a conversation, but something about you always annoys me in one way or another," he said frankly, with a slightly frustrated look, but she could easily understand that, because she had a constant feeling not to know whether she should hug him or spank his ass.

He took one hand off the edge of the pool, grabbed one of her brown curls, and wrapped it around his finger. Her heart started beating faster, if that was possible. He had unconsciously begun this gesture, and now that both became aware of the intimacy of the moment, he froze in the movement, then quickly retreated as if he had burned himself.

"Sorry, I did not mean to talk too open. I really do not know what's wrong with me" he said embarrassed, took his bowl and sat down again into the water but this time right next to her right foot his back leaned against the edge. She was glad that he had not withdrawn directly and said quickly: "No, I'm glad, if you speak openly and say what you think, I think you have never lied to me, neither to your advantage nor to my protection, and I hope you stay with it."

He gave her a quick sideways glance: "I've always thought you deserved the truth, even though it's painful and uncomfortable." He took a short break and ate a piece. "I can not bear being lied to and therefore I do not want anyone else to make this experience."

She set the bowl aside, took off her socks, and dipped her feet into the warm water beside his broad shoulders. She carefully considered her next words and then asked him quietly, "Who lied to you in the past?"

"My mother, my father, my uncle ... they have kept my origins from me and tried to hide their fears from me, the fear that I might be a monster," he snorted contemptuously, "which they were right, I am become the monster they always dreaded. " He did not look at her, his eyes staring into space, a past that still hurt and persecuted him. Rey did not say anything. She was afraid he would shut up again if she made a small sound. So he continued after some time:

"And Snoke ... I thought he would understand me, I thought he was the mentor and master I needed, I believed his world view was what was most desirable, and in the end, that too was a lie !" He set the half-eaten bowl to the edge and rubbed his hair in embarrassment so that the black curls glistened wet.

"If I'm to be honest with you, as you wish it, I can only say that I am as lost as you are, no more origins, no future. The only difference between us is the fact, that I have destroyed my origins and my future by myself, and you got into that whole thing without guilt."

He raised his arm and gently took her hand to his chest without looking at her, dropped his shoulders and said softly and sarcastically, "Supreame Leader Ren, what a sight!....It is not you who is nothing, Rey....it is me....I am nothing."

For a few seconds nobody said anything. Rey stared down at Ben, his shoulders drooping, her hand pressed to his chest in that basin, his eyes out of focus.

Something in her heart, which she had locked tight after their last breakup, opened like a fresh wound that had been struck again. However, instead of pain, she felt heat flowing back through her body to her heart.

She took her feet out of the water and slowly leaned over Ben's shoulder from behind, hugging him. He jerked slightly as she wrapped her left arm around him from behind and put her hand on his hand, which was already holding her right hand on his chest.

"It may be that you are nobody....but not for me." she said quietly, resting her head against his cheek, whispering softly into his ear again: "Not for me!"