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It's cold outside, and I stuff my hands in my sweatshirt pockets. Marly walks beside me, her sneakers crunching over dry leaves, the night sky sprinkled with stars. We're meeting Eliza at the cafe for a late study session.

I glance up. "There's Venus. See it? To the left of the moon?"

Marly tucks a long strand of hair behind her ear and tilts her head. "Yeah."

It's been about a week since I've started volunteering at the hospital. I do love working with kids - it's just I don't think I'm any less stressed than I was before. The nightmares haven't stopped. I keep getting negative updates on Tom. The midterm exams are still so close. It's a nice thought, though, that I'm happier now than I was.

"It's about 25 million miles away from the earth," I continue. "And temperatures can reach up to 465 degrees Celsius. No NASA probe has survived on the planet for more than a few hours without melting."

Marly smiles at me, a knit headband pulled over her ears. "That's really cool." She briefly squeezes my hand, her fingers warm and soft against my own.

"Hey," she says suddenly. "It's Eliza's birthday this weekend. I thought we could do something to surprise her."

"Okay."

"There's this cool bowling alley we could rent out for the night. Get a group of us, eat cake, get drunk - what do you think?"

"She would like that."

"I think so too." Marly hitches her backpack on her shoulders. "And don't say anything about having to study. It's just one night off."

"I wasn't." I was.

"Okay, good." Marly breathes in deeply - the night air is sharp and refreshing, and students walk down the paths, heads tucked down to block the wind. I look to the science building across the quad, yellow light streaming from all three stories.

"Anyway," says Marly. "How's volunteering at the hospital?"

I smile. "It's really great. I love the kids."

"I'm so glad! I told you another activity in your life would be helpful."

"Maybe you were right. There are so many kids that are so great. They're dying, some of them, but they just want to hear stories and color and watch movies. I do like being there, and learning things."

Marly rubs her ear with her shoulder.

"It's just that - they're so young. They shouldn't be in the hospital. And there are so many of them. Some sicker than Tom, even."

"I know," says Marly softly. She takes my hand, and doesn't let go, and I don't mind.

~

I wake up to the sound of a door slamming, a black and white movie paused on my laptop, still in my clothes. I must've drifted off while studying - I rub my eyes groggily. For a second I think I'm at home in St. Anne, for some reason, Tom rummaging through the fridge down the hall - then Pierce slumps down on his bed, and reality washes over me like a cold gust of air.

"You're bleeding," is the first thing I say. Then I really do wake up - the dorm is quiet and heavy with the air of something eerie. "Your knuckles are bleeding."

"I know."

"You got in a fight?"

"I know. I know."

"Are you okay?"

Pierce rubs his shoulder, his face emotionless. "Yeah, fine. Sorry to wake you." He hits a nerve and winces.

I yank on a sweatshirt, shrugging off the veil of sleepiness, and pull out the first aid kit from the desk. Unwrapping a roll of white bandages, I scan Pierce up and down. His eyes are focused on his shoes - he's not the same Pierce now that invited me to church, nor the Pierce that's the talented student-athlete.

"What happened?" I ask. "Was it on campus?"

"No, off."

He looks more shaken than anything - blood on his palms, his lip swollen, but otherwise alright. I wind the bandage through his fingers gently, watch red stains blossom. "Does this hurt? I'm sorry."

"No, doesn't hurt."

"God, what happened?"

Pierce doesn't answer, and I don't push it. I rip off the end of the bandage and rub my mouth - down the hall, I can hear the faint sound of a tap being turned on, footsteps on the old hardwood. It's just past midnight. 

"You're good at that," says Pierce, inspecting his hands.

"Wrapping it?"

"Yeah, wrapping it."

I breathe deeply, squinting towards window, groggy with fatigue and confusion. Then -

"I started it."

I look back at Pierce. "What?"

"The fight. I threw the first punch."

"Oh."

"I just didn't want you to think that I got jumped or anything. It was my fault. It was just some fucking -" he inhales sharply. "Some fucking racist comment. I don't know. I should've let it go."

"Someone said something about your race?"

"Yeah, of course someone fucking did. Some people don't like dark-skinned boys wearing Harvard sweatshirts, you know?"

I don't even know what to say. "God, Pierce. I'm so sorry."

"Whatever." He flops down on his bed, inspecting his hand. "I shouldn't have lost my temper. Just don't say anything. I could get suspended from the rowing team. And don't tell my parents. They'd kill me."

"I won't."

"I didn't mean for you to wake up. You don't sleep well."

"No, I'm glad I did. Really. I had to study more anyway."

There's another silence, and I sit on the edge of my bed. My eyes flicker to the window, where the breeze shivers through branches, shadowed leaves rustling in unison like a whispered chant - sorry, sorry, sorry.

"The world is just fucked up sometimes, I think," says Pierce.

"I know. I think that way too."

I think of the night I was beat up in St. Anne, though I don't remember much. Just waking up in the hospital with Tom sitting by my bed, his face twisted in anger and sadness, but a certain knowing in his expression as well - this is what happens when you have a nephew who likes boys.

"The good is so hard to find," I say. "You have to really look for it."

"Yeah. But not tonight. I can't look anymore tonight."

"No, not tonight."


A/N thoughts on pierce and marly? :( also this book is gonna be split into 3 parts because i just decided lmao, part 1 is ending soon

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