The Multitudes Within Me (Sequel to The Sound of Ice)

29

"How are we feeling today?" asks Elizabeth. She crosses her legs, brushing a curl behind her ear, and smiles encouragingly at me. My eyes flicker from the candle on her desk to her warm eyes. She's wearing a bright green blouse, very bold and outgoing, and I wonder how reflective style is of personality. I'm wearing jeans and my new navy sweatshirt.

"Alright," I say. "I think better."

"Better?"

"The sadness comes in waves. It's not so bad today. I baked chocolate chip cookies with Hailey this afternoon. And Tom helped, too. He was feeling good."

"Sounds like a nice afternoon."

"It was."

Elizabeth jots something down on her notepad, then says casually - "How do you feel about going back to school?"

"Oh."

"It's in a few days, isn't it?"

"Yeah. The semester starts next Wednesday."

She puts down her pen and waits for me to talk. There's lots of silence during my sessions. I don't think that's a bad thing, necessarily, but sometimes it fills my brain and all I can focus on is the clock ticking and my soft, shallow breathing. Inhale. Exhale.

"I miss Eliza and Pierce," I say. "And Willem and Max. And Marly, too. Not in that kind of way, just as a person. She was always nice to me. She always thought I was good."

Elizabeth writes something down. I've stopped trying to figure out what she's piecing together.

"But besides them, I'm not that excited. I don't really want to go back."

"Why not?"

I pull my sweatshirt sleeves over my hands. "I don't know. The pressure, I guess. How much I'll have to study for things. But it's weird. Cause last year, I always loved to study really hard."

"Do you think you've changed?"

"Since last year?" I stare at my sneakers. "Yeah."

Elizabeth waits for me to talk, and when I don't, she clears her throat and shifts in her chair. "Sam," she says slowly. "You don't have to go back to Harvard, you know."

I look up. "What? Yes I do."

"Why?"

"Because so many people worked so hard for me to go to school there. And I worked hard. I should be grateful. And I am grateful."

"People?"

"Yeah. Tom. My teachers. The Becketts. They're proud of me."

Elizabeth writes something down. "You're a brilliant kid, Sam. I don't have to tell you that. Incredibly gifted. But you're not perfect, and you have some things to work through. And an environment like Harvard, especially right now, with so many other factors coming into play, isn't always the healthiest."

To be honest, I haven't really thought about going back to school for second semester. My brain has tried to avoid it. But as much as I don't want to go back, I feel like there's no other option.

I don't know what to say, then - "But where else would I go?"

"You're eighteen," says Elizabeth, and then she smiles at me, like that fact solves all my problems instead of creating them.

~

Cameron is in Vancouver for an away game, and Tom is taking a nap at the house, so I spend my night with the remaining Becketts.

"Hey, Sam," says Ms. Beckett, seasoning chicken in the kitchen. She nods towards the vegetables by the sink. "Do you mind helping me? Would you rinse and cut those up for the salad?"