The Multitudes Within Me (Sequel to The Sound of Ice)

25

A week and a half before Christmas, Veronica, Hailey, and I drive to Toronto to watch Cameron play. Tom isn't allowed to travel, so he and Ms. Beckett are watching the game from home.

Veronica drives and puts on old songs, classics from the 70s and 80s, and Hailey and I sing along when we know the words. I pull my sweatshirt sleeves over my hands - my Leafs sweatshirt, of course - and lean my head against the window. The highway flies by, trees shivering in the wind, and I inhale deeply. Exhale. Inhale.

"Are you guys excited?" asks Veronica. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and sticks her tongue out at Hailey in the mirror. "Sam, this is your first time watching Cameron play in the NHL."

"Yeah, I'm really excited. It's been too long since I went to a hockey game."

Hailey bounces up and down in the backseat. She's wearing an oversized Leafs jersey, with her own last name on the back. "Go Cameron go!" she says, and I smile.

We park in the city and head to a cheap burger restaurant - not AJ's Diner, but good enough. Toronto feels so different from Boston - it seems bigger, and taller, but more like home, like I've lived here all my life - and I stuff my hands in my coat pockets and breathe in the icy air.

After dinner, we walk to the Air Canada Centre, and Veronica and I each hold a hand of Hailey's. Veronica grins at me over Hailey's head. I feel so much like a brother to them I can't stand it. We walk past restaurants and apartment buildings and skyscrapers, the streets busy with pedestrians and city buses, the smell of exhaust and cigarette smoke, the sky slowly fading to dusk.

The Air Canada Centre is packed, the stadiums rich with blue and white jerseys, and we have decent seats. We cheer wildly when the team steps on the ice, and I find Cameron right away, number 21.

"Look!" shouts Hailey, and I bend down to hear her. "Cameron has pink tape on his stick. I gave that to him!"

I do see it. And I spot more than one sign that says Cameron's name or number written in the LGBT flag colors. I am so proud of him. And an odd mixture of pride and guilt hardens in my veins.

It's a close game until the third period, where Cameron breaks away with the puck and scores for the lead. The buzzers sound and the stadium goes wild, and Cameron punches the air. Even from the seats, I can see him grinning, chewing on his mouthguard. His eyes find mine a split second before his teammates surround him, knocking his helmet.

"He's so good," I shout in Veronica's ear.

She is beaming, her hands clasped in front of her face. "I know!" she says. "And did you see all the signs for him?"

"Yeah."

"It's insane! Everyone loves him. I know multiple people who have a crush on him. Even girls." She smiles, then glances sideways at me and nudges my shoulder. "Don't get me wrong, though. He's crazy for you."

With only a couple minutes left in the game, Cameron is cross-checked in the ribs, and my heart stops as he stumbles in pain. The whistle blows as a penalty is called against the other player. The fans shout their displeasure.

"He can't pull that shit!" Veronica says angrily, waving her hand at the player skating to the penalty box. "You can't do that!"

I am reminded of last year, when Cameron was hurt on the ice, and the nausea that rolled over me watching him seize up in pain.

But now, he nods at his coach, winces and stands up. He's alright. Not hurt too bad. It's just hockey, it happens. But I still feel sick, and I don't know why.

~

I don't see Cameron much over the next couple days, since he stays in Toronto to train. But he comes home on Thursday, exactly a week before Christmas, and walks into his bedroom as I'm reading a book.