The Multitudes Within Me (Sequel to The Sound of Ice)

31

It's clear my academic advisor doesn't get why I'm transferring. He doesn't try to hide the fact that he disapproves, and I shift uncomfortably in the leather chair.

"After only one semester?" he asks, and his eyes are focused on his computer. The mouse clicks loudly, and in the office next door, a printer is whirling. "And with a scholarship, too."

My cheeks burn. "Yes, sir."

"Let's see... sometimes scholarships from other schools still hold. You want to be closer to home, you said?"

I tug on my sleeves and clear my throat. "Yes."

He scratches his beard as his eyes flicker around the screen. "McGill offered you a scholarship last year. So did Ottawa, York, Toronto..."

"I think I'd like to be in Toronto, or nearby, if possible. It's - it's close to my family."

"Alright. Let's send out some applications, shall we?"

"Do I... do I have to include my grades from this semester?"

My advisor looks at me. "Some schools, we have to," he says. "Not all. You know the program you want to apply to?"

"I think nursing, maybe."

"Alright. Let's fill out some paperwork." He types something on the keyboard. "Do me a favor, would you run next door and grab your transcript from the printer? Mine's broken."

"Of course." I head out into the hallway. The hardwood is old and creaks beneath my sneakers, and it smells like pencil shavings and coffee. I grab the paper from the printer, ignoring my grades, and turn around right into Dr. Howard.

"Oh!" I stammer. "Dr. Howard!"

She raises her eyebrows, her dark hair pulled into the usual bun, and switches a stack of files from one arm to the other. When she speaks, her voice is cool and collected. "Mr. Hughes. Nice to see you again."

I can barely speak. "I - I'm sorry I missed the exam. And dropped the class. I -"

She holds up a hand to stop me. "Like I said, Mr. Hughes, it makes no difference to me. People change, right?"

"Right -"

"I really do have to run. Take care." She smiles at me, briefly, which I don't think I've seen her do before. And then she walks away, her heels clicking on the wood, flipping through her papers.

I head back into my advisor's office, shell-shocked, and settle into the chair as he starts talking. I'm not paying much attention. I stare out the window. The sky is grey, so pale it's almost white.

~

I end up going to church with Pierce. I didn't think I would. But on Sunday morning, I find myself pulling on a sweater and khaki pants. Pierce catches my eye in the mirror as he puts on his cross necklace and tucks it underneath his shirt. "Ready to go?"

We take the T, sharing headphones. I don't know any of the songs Pierce plays, but I like the lyrics, and I close my eyes. When we get to church, I feel my stomach twist when I see the ornate doors and tall crosses, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe I should've stayed in the dorms.

Before the service starts, everyone talks quietly with one another, pulling off coats and shaking snowflakes off hats. It smells like smoke and rich perfume, and I smile at Laura as she leans her head against Pierce's shoulder, and shake Dr. Walters' hand as he goes on about the hospital.

I think about Willem the entire time. I don't really think there's a god. But I can't help but pray anyway - not truly praying, I've forgotten how to do that - but thinking about people, to people, as if they can hear me.

I hope you're okay, Willem - that's the first thing I think. Which is stupid, because he's dead. I wish you didn't die. I hope I was a good friend to you. I hope your family is okay. I'll write to them soon, I promise. And then I give up on praying, and I sit in silence the rest of the service and stare at my hands, which are folded in my lap, and mumble along when I'm supposed to.

Our Father, who art in heaven...

~

My train leaves at eight in the morning, and Cameron will be waiting for me at the station in Toronto later that day. I say bye to Pierce, who hugs me quickly, and Eliza, who cries and laughs at the same time, and then I head to the T, dragging my suitcase through the campus.

It's snowing lightly, and the flakes land softly on my cheeks and eyelashes. I blink them away. The campus isn't busy, only a few people walking around, and they are splashes of color against a sheet of white.

I'll miss the library. And killing time in Eliza's dorm. University is an experiment - it's the first time you're out in the real world, by yourself, with a million strangers. And I've failed.

I pass by quiet buildings with darkened windows, most students probably still asleep. The wind bites my ears and I keep my head down, staring at my boots.

"Sam!"

I stop and look over my shoulder.

"Sam! Wait up!" Marly hurries to catch up with me, her hands shoved in the deep pockets of a trench coat, her face buried in a pink scarf. Snowflakes catch in her dark hair, and her cheeks are flushed. "I stopped by your dorm but Pierce said you just left."

"Yeah. I'm heading to the T, and then the train station."

"So you're really leaving."

"Yeah."

We stand motionless, silent, the wind whipping our scarves.

"I just wanted to say bye," she says after a moment. "And - and that's all, I guess. Maybe we can keep in touch?"

I smile and say, "Yeah." Even though we both know we're lying. But it's nice to entertain the thought, that things aren't as bad as they seem, that Marly and I will remain friends. It's not her fault things turned out like this. That's all mine.

She hugs me, her arms wrapped around my neck, and I hug her back tightly.

"Bye Sam," she says quietly in my ear.

"Bye, Marly."

Then she lets me go. And I go home.

A/N quiet chapter here - next chapter (less quiet lmao) will be posted in a couple days, so be on the lookout! :)