Til Death Do Us Part...

Life with Jon 1

Ilva had her eyes closed. The water in the bathtub was cold and far from pleasant anymore, but she didn't feel like stepping out. Not yet. Because this was the only spot in the entire house where she didn't miss him. It was the only spot in the entire house where she could pretend that he was reading a book in the living room, that he was staring at the clock, wondering if he could already knock on the door to remind her that her favorite show would be on in less than 10 minutes.

The bathroom was the only place where the pain was somehow bearable.

"Ilva?"

Ilva's eyes flashed open when the door of the bathroom flew open with a loud bang.

"Ilva? Please..." Jon stopped in the middle of his sentence. His dark black curls danced around his face. A deep frown covered his forehead and his brown eyes rested on her. All of a sudden he seemed to realize that she was naked and that there was not enough foam in the bath anymore to hide even an inch of her bare skin.

"What?" Ilva cocked her head and she reached for the bright pink towel hanging a few inches too high above her head.

"I rang a few times and you didn't open and..." Jon licked his lips and his hand went through his hair while he stepped back.

"You thought I had downed all bottles of alcohol in the house and laid passed out on the kitchen floor?" Ilva raised her eyebrows. "You feared that I had drowned myself in the bathtub?" She locked her glance with his and Jon opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again before the words escaped. "I'm not gonna pretend that I'm doing fine." Ilva let out a deep sigh and she gave up on the towel above her head. Instead she lowered herself a little more in the ice cold water and hoped that the tub itself would hide most of her body. "I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I don't think I'll ever feel happy again. But I'm not self destructive, suicidal or any of those things." Ilva shrugged. "And I for sure don't believe in all the romantic nonsense that if I die we'll see each other again."

Jon swallowed. He leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms over his chest.

"The only thing that happens if I die, is that I'll be dead too." Ilva leaned back and her head rested on the bright white porcelain. "I would love to hear how you're doing, but..." Ilva took a deep breath. "Why don't you make us some tea while I get dressed?"

"O, yes, of course." Jon's cheeks reddened and quickly he turned around and closed the door behind him. His heavy footsteps echoed through the narrow hallway and only after he had also closed the door of the living room, Ilva dared to stand up.

She wrapped the pink towel around her and she used her fingers to brush her long blond hair while she looked for some clean underwear and a simple dress to pull over her head.

When she entered the living room five minutes later, drops of bathwater dripped from her wet hair on her dark green dress. Her bare feet squeaked on the wooden floor of the living room and she saw how Jon leaned against the kitchen table while he waited for the water to finally boil. "How are you doing?" Ilva grabbed one of the mugs Jon had already set up. She put it back in the closet and grabbed another one. One that hadn't belonged to Robb.

"Better than Catelyn." Jon's fingers curled around the edge of the table and his knuckles were drained of all color. "She can't stop crying." Jon bent his head and avoided Ilva's glance. "Sansa locked herself up in her room. Arya is fighting trees with her plastic sword as if she can bring him back if she kills enough of them." Jon paused for a moment. "Bran and Rickon are too little to really understand what being dead means."

"I didn't ask how they were doing, Jon." Ilva interrupted him. "I asked how you were doing." She walked towards her kettle and filled the two mugs with the hot water. "Any preference?" She looked over her shoulder and Jon shrugged.

"Anything but peppermint tea." His voice trembled a little while he said it and Ilva bit her lip to fight the tears burning in her eyes.

"I already threw the peppermint tea out of the house." Her voice sounded colder and harsher than she meant to. "I never liked it anyway." She reached for the fruit tea and watched how the water colored a pinkish purple like. "No sugar, no milk, right?" She added three spoons of sugar to her own tea and handed Jon the other mug without waiting for his answer.

"It's weird..." Jon waited until she sat down in one of the comfortable chairs in the living room before he sat down in the other. Before he sat down in Robb's one. "We were not living in the same house for years anymore and still there are countless moments during the day when I miss him." Jon took a sip from his tea, almost burning his lips and tongue, and quickly placed the mug on the wooden table in front of him. "I see something funny and wanna text him about it." Jon leaned back and he let his ankle rest on his knee. "Whenever I'm in doubt or something I wanna call him." He swallowed once more. "And it's only when I call him or text him and hear that the number is out of use that I remember again that he's not there anymore."

"It's hard to forget that's he gone when this entire house reminds me of him." Ilva curled her hands firmly around the steaming cup of tea. "We decorated together. Half of the books on the shelf are his. And the bed feels constantly cold and empty."

"You shouldn't be alone in this house yet." Jon spoke softly.

"Do you still think I'd do something stupid?" Ilva shook her head, but Jon didn't even look at her.

"Why don't you come live with us for a while? Or go to your own parents?"

Ilva thought about his question for a moment. "If I leave this house now, I don't think I'll ever come back again." Ilva tightened her grip. "The wound is never gonna heal if I keep on avoiding feeling how much it hurts. I'll just have to get through it. It can't hurt this much forever, right?"

"Right." Jon reached for his mug again and kept silent for a few minutes. It wasn't an unpleasant silence, it was not even an uncomfortable one. "Can I use the spare bedroom for a while?" He eventually turned his face towards her. "I know you won't do anything stupid, but..." He sighed. "I'd feel better if I knew you weren't alone right now."

A small smile, breakable and vulnerable, appeared on Ilva's face. "Yes, you can stay here for a while. But I don't promise to even try to be good company."

"That's okay. I don't make any promises either."