Til Death Do Us Part...

Life with Jon 8

Ilva was not sure what she had expected. The last time she had been here, the grave had been nothing but a pile of earth, a big hole, a mess. Now the grave was neatly taken care of, a huge stone keeping the wooden chest, and Robb's lifeless body, sealed away from the outside world. Fresh flowers covered the grey stone and the words written on it.

"Beloved son, brother and lover." Catelyn stood next to Ilva with her hands folded in front of her and tears rolling down her cheeks. "I had wanted to ask you what you wanted, but..." Catelyn paused for a moment and reached for Ilva's hand to squeeze it tightly. "I couldn't."

Ilva curled her lips up into a slight smile. "I understand." She let out a deep breath and kneeled down. The grass was slightly wet from the early morning rain and the stone was ice cold, but still it felt nice to touch it, to know that Robb was there, out of reach but still closer than he had been during the last few months. "I should have come sooner, but..."

"I understand." Catelyn replied and placed a hand on Ilva's shoulder. "The moment you walked in, I knew that he would never stop loving you. You were his sunshine, his reason to live, his motivation to wake up in the morning and to at least attempt to get his grades up." She paused for a moment. "When he told me he was sent to Afghanistan and had accepted the offer..." She swallowed her tears away. "I couldn't believe he would do that after what had happened to his father, to our family, to us. Because I didn't think he could ever do something like that to you."

Ilva turned her face towards Catelyn. "His honour, I've always told him that one day it would be the death of him and us."

"And that's what it became," Catelyn finished Ilva's sentence for her and in that moment Ilva felt her tears escaping her eyes too.

"Somehow he thought that he had the right to steal our future, because somehow he believed that this was the only way for us to have one. He could have been and become so many things. But he wanted to make you proud. He wanted to make his father proud. He wanted to not be a failure." Ilva sniffed and shook her head. "But he has never been a failure to me. How could he? He was all I ever wanted, with all this imperfections that made me love him so much more."

Catelyn moved a little closer towards her. "You're much too young to have your entire future taken." She hesitated. "When I lost my husband, I had a family to live for, counting on me. My family can live without me now and after losing both my husband and my son, I don't know if I can really live ever again, but you..." She turned towards Ilva and grabbed her hands firmly in hers. "You're only twenty. You have your entire life waiting for you. I would have wanted to see you with my son. I would have wanted to see you with my grandchildren, but you're only twenty and that was not the only future written and possible for you."

Ilva wiped her tears away from her cheeks and thought about what she wanted, what she needed, what she wished and longed for. She wanted to finish her studies and become the teacher she had always dreamed to be. She wanted to read books every night, with a burning candle next to her and her feet on the table. And she wanted Jon to bring her hot tea and something to eat, because without that reminder she would forget her hunger and her thirst.

Jon.

Somehow she had grown so used to his constant presence, that he slipped into her new dreams. She imagined him walking through the house, making her dinner when she would come home after a tiring day. She imagined him surprising her with packages containing new books, with tickets to an opera or musical. She imagined him smiling at her and her smiling back at him.

"You know how I feel about Jon." Catelyn's voice hardened. "But..." She licked her dry lips. "I also know how Robb always felt about him, how much Robb loved him." She lifted her chin and straightened her back. "You won't see me happy if you decide that he's your new future. But if that's what you want and need, I believe that Robb would have wanted you to go for it." Catelyn turned around and walked away. She left Ilva behind, alone at the grave of the boy she had lost way too soon and had loved way too much.

"It's weird..." Ilva spoke. She wasn't sure who she was talking to and she was even less sure if whoever she was talking to was listening. "I know that your mom is right. You would have wanted me to live. You would have wanted me to move on. You would have wanted me to find a new love and a new future." Ilva stared at the cold grey stone, at the words carved in there and she replaced her own bouquet of flowers and all the other flowers so she could actually read the word that was meant for her, that was meant to show the world that he had left her behind.

"But not yet, not right now. We've buried you a couple of months ago and it feels too soon, way too soon..."

A soft breeze touched her cheeks and Ilva threw her head in her neck to enjoy the cold wind to the absolute fullest. It embraced her like a pair of strong arms and in the back of her mind she could hear her own subconsciousness talking with his voice.

"Follow your heart."

Ilva was not sure what it meant. She was not sure what her heart said or wanted. "I'll try to figure out what it says and wants..." Ilva nodded, as if that voice in her head could see her. "But slowly, very slowly." Ilva shook her head now. "Because I can't and won't let you go. Never."