Til Death Do Us Part...

Life with Jon 12

The hand holding her spoon trembled a little while she attempted to eat her soup. Ilva was glad that she had picked the vegetable soup instead of the tomato soup. By now her entire shirt was covered in luckily invisible splatters.

Jon held her other hand firmly in his, his fingers stroking her knuckles and sensitive skin, moving in calming circles and relaxing patterns. On his face he wore a smile and his eyes were on her all the time, staring at her as if she could fall apart any minute. And he wasn't wrong.

Every time the voices in her own mind became too loud, she closed her eyes and breathed in and out while she imagined Robb's voice saying over and over that this was alright, that this was perfect. His fiancee and his best friend, healing each other, comforting each other and loving each other.

But no matter how often she heard Robb saying that it was fine, her heart kept on hammering against her ribs and didn't slow down. After all, she was just imagining his voice and there was no way to know for sure if he really thought like that. She would never know for sure.

"And..." Jon cleared his throat and interrupted the deafening silence. Everyone who paid a little attention would see that this was not the kind of first date people their age normally had, but for them it was already a huge step forward compared to their first attempt. "Did you already decide on your graduation paper?"

Ilva shrugged. "It's weird." She filled her mouth with soup, allowing herself some time to think about her answer. "When I started studying I had a thousand and one ideas. I wanted to write about the true origins of the Romeo and Juliet story, like Shakespeare wrote it." She licked her dry lips. "There are much older versions known of that tale, or at least stories that contain the exact same elements, including the double death in the finale. Like for example Cleopatra and Antonius." She grinned when she saw Jon's face. "You don't care about all those details at all, do you?"

"I wasn't really the literature geek in our family." Jon bent his head. "I mean, don't get me wrong. I like reading and stories, but the whole theory and stuff behind it? No, I just want a good story and I don't really care if it's been told a million times before."

"O! I don't care either!" Ilva raised her voice and accidentally her hand slipped out of Jon's. "I really love fairytale retellings and no matter how often I've already read the same plot about a poor girl and some rich guy meeting at some dance where she loses her shoe, I never get bored of it." She swallowed. "Well, got..." She let out a deep sigh. "That's the problem with the whole Romeo and Juliet origin subject I initially wanted to do."

Jon reached for her hand again and squeezed it firmly. "Don't say it." He whispered. "I understand. You don't need to say it."

Thankful Ilva nodded at him. "So yeah, I'm a bit blank now." She put her spoon in the empty bowl and grabbed her napkin to wipe the last few drops of soup away. "But, I'll find something. I always do. I'm good at it, actually. It happens quite often that I have no inspiration for anything for a very long time, but then all of a sudden the right idea comes and I'm finished within a few weeks."

"You can do it. I'm sure about that." Jon smiled at her and he finished his soup too. "You can do everything you set your mind to."

Ilva raised her eyebrows. "It sometimes takes a few attempts, though." She cocked her head and smiled. "You know what the hardest part is about all of this?" She looked up at Jon again and he shook his head, almost invisibly. "You're the only one I can talk to who understands a little what's going on in my mind and how I feel."

"Have you tried talking to Sansa yet?" Jon leaned a little towards her and nodded at the waitress when she came to take their bowls away. "I'm sure she'd wanna listen to you. And she and Robb were quite close too, so maybe she'd understand you better than you think."

"I know." Ilva nodded. "But Sansa is a freshman at college. She needs to focus on her studies, on making friends, on going to parties and dancing through the night. She has to experience that first love crashing in like a falling star on a clear night." Ilva thought about her own first love, about her own sophomore year. Before everything had gone wrong and changed. "I don't want to bother her with everything that's going on in my mind. I'll be there for her, but she doesn't need to be there for me right now."

"You can't do it alone." Jon shook his head. "I'm all for helping you through everything for the rest of your life, but what if you're not feeling okay and need someone and I'm not there?" Jon tightened his grip on her hand. "You need more than one go to person, Ilva." He nodded this time. "And Sansa is a great choice. She misses you as her friend too."

Ilva knew Jon was right. One of the reasons she was so scared to love him and to admit that, was the fact that she never wanted to depend on one person alone anymore. She knew all too well how it felt to lose that person. "I'll call her tomorrow and meet her for lunch on campus or something. Happy now?"

Jon smiled at her and pressed a soft kiss to the tips of her fingers. "Yeah, it would really make me feel better if I knew that you'll still be okay if I'm not there."

Ilva chuckled. "I can live without you, Jon."

Jon pouted.

"I don't want to. But one way or another I'll figure out how to be fine without you if I really have to."

"You don't have to. I promise. I'll never leave you alone and I'll never be too far away from you."

"I've heard that before. And it's okay. You don't have to promise me that. You have the right to do things without me, to go on vacations with your friends, to hang out in bars to watch football." She bit her lip. "Just..."

A couple of long seconds there was nothing but silence. "But?" Jon encouraged her.

"Never join the army, the FBI, the police or any other job that increases the risks you're not coming home again."

Jon smiled. "Unless they actually force me, I'm fine safely behind my desk in the office."

"Good."