Til Death Do Us Part...

Life with Jon 13

Jon was still holding onto her hand when they walked home.

The streets of New York were buzzing with life. People were traveling to their night shifts or they were on their way to Broadway to see one of the many shows. In the cars drivers became impatient when walkers crossed the street without looking carefully and they hit their claxons. But no one really noticed the noise anymore. It was New York after all. People would only notice when it was absolutely silence for once.

"And, regretting it that we tried again?" Jon cleared his throat when they were just a few blocks away from the apartment.

Ilva slowed down and shook her head. "No, I don't regret it." She licked her dry lips. "I'm just..." She hesitated for a moment. "I'm just sorry that I couldn't be better company and the kind of first date you actually deserve." Ilva sighed. "Giggling and blushing and beaming, staring at you with a huge smile on her face because you're her sun and stars and moon all at once."

Jon stood still and he reached for her other hand too, pulling her closer towards him. "I don't have to be all of those at once." He spoke softly. "I don't even wanna be the stars." He tucked a strand of her long blond curls behind her ear. "Because Robb's the stars and he'll always be."

Ilva swallowed. "Don't you hate it?" She looked up at Jon and she raised her eyebrows slightly while she locked her glance with his. "Knowing that he will always be there? In my mind, in my heart, as a part of my soul?"

For a moment Jon didn't say anything. He let the palm of his hand touch her cheek and he cocked his head. The frown on his forehead deepened while he leaned a little towards her. He was only a few inches away now and Ilva had to fight the instinct to lean back, to step away from him, to enlarge the distance between them again until she felt more comfortable.

But she didn't do it. She ignored her racing heart and the voices in her head. She ignored her tensed muscles and her dry throat. She just kept her glance locked with his and waited until he found the right words to phrase what was going through him.

"I know I should." Jon eventually broke the silence. "I know that any guy will call me crazy or worse. They'd say I hate myself because I'm falling in love with a girl who'll always love another man too." The palm of his hand barely touched her skin when he shoved it towards her neck. "And then there is that whole bro code thing where it's some unwritten rule that you don't steal girls from your half brother and best friend."

"Actually..." Ilva interrupted him and a slight smile spread across her face. "I think a lot of widows eventually end up marrying the best friend of their death love." She bent her head and stared at her feet and she curled her fingers around Jon's wrist to keep his hand in her neck. "I guess because they're the only ones willing to share the hearts of their wives."

"Wife..." Jon replied and he let his forehead rest on hers. "I like the sound of that."

Ilva wished she could reply that she liked it too, but she was not ready to admit that yet. She had been the future wife of Robb Stark for too long and too short to be ready to call herself the future wife of Jon Snow. She still wasn't sure if she was ready for this whole new love anyway.

"But let's not go that fast." Jon lightened the mood again and Ilva closed her eyes while she enjoyed the warmth of his body touching hers. "One step at a time. I got a first date tonight." He moved his lips to her ear. "Next time I might try to steal a kiss."

Ilva's eyes flashed open again. A part of her wanted to ask why only next time, why not now, why he was waiting and why they wouldn't try right here? And a part of her already felt guilty for thinking that, for wanting him to kiss her, for longing for his lips on hers.

The tingles from Robb's last kiss had barely disappeared. When she closed her eyes at night, she could sometimes still feel them. Even though that last kiss had been almost a year ago. If only she had known then it would have been their last. She would have made it last even longer than it had.

"Do you really settle for this? For a one step at a time thing with a girl who still feels like she's cheating on her death fiancé?" Ilva whispered and she placed her hands on Jon's shoulders. "I hope at some point it passes, of course, but I can't make any promises right now." She sighed. "It's weird. I want you. And I know it's okay that I want you. But still..."

Jon pressed a soft kiss on her forehead. "It's okay."

He had said that phrase that often now that it started to lose its meaning and impact, but it still was the only phrase Ilva needed and wanted to hear right now. What she felt was okay. What she experienced was okay. The person she was right now was okay.

"Let's get back to the apartment and warm up with a cup of tea." Jon stepped back from her and when he grabbed her hand again he squeezed it gently. "We shouldn't be having those kinda conversations in the burning cold."

Ilva smiled. "I've read loads of books about love triangles and I've always wondered how hard it could be to just pick the one you love most." Ilva headed for her apartment and she was not even sure if Jon was still hearing her. It didn't matter. She was talking more to herself than to him anyway. "But I think I understand it now." She looked at him and when he looked back she felt a pleasant warmth spreading through her frozen body. "There are different kinds of love and it's impossible to know which one is better and more beautiful."

"You don't have to choose, Ilva." Jon murmured and squeezed her hand again. "I'll never make you choose."