Who Am I? » [Stucky]

61. My Miracle

Bucky didn't sleep after that. His eyes beseeched him for permission to close, crying out with their burning sting, sending his vision into blurry disarray. It was blisteringly painful to keep his eyelids stinging like a wasp sting from falling and his eyes watered and the whole room turned into a fuzzing haze around him as the sharp clarity drained from his visuals. It felt like someone was burying the sharpened pointed tips of needles in his pupils, pressing them into his eyes. The stabbing pain was excruciating and the exhaustion was thoroughly crippling, but he refused to risk experiencing that again. He refused to risk harming Steve again. He wouldn't harm Steve again. Couldn't.

He twiddled with the heated dog tags eternally strung around his neck, warm from where they had been sat absorbing heat from his skin, tangling his fingers up in the loose chain as he played idly, trying to occupy his drowsy distantly wandering mind.

Steve was curled up into his side like a loyal feline of some description, his larger body engulfing his with his lengthy broad thick limbs, thrown over his body with carelessness and pinning him down to the bed like he was bonded to weights.

He admired Steve's vacant sleepy expression, a melancholy guilty smile forming on his lips as he gazed upon Steve's effortless angelic beauty. His eyelashes were so long and graceful, each thick feathery lash slotting into place perfectly like a puzzle piece with the corresponding one deigning the opposite lid. They were darker blond than his hair and curved and elegant. His bottom lip was plump and pouty and drooped out like it was too heavy and hung low in his sleep. His whole face was clean of any expressive lines, any wrinkles or creases and his face looked peaceful. Steve was at rest, his mind clear of any fear or doubt and Bucky envied that: that silence.

"I don't deserve you..." Bucky whispered to him in the quietest voice he could muster, his throat constricting as he began to cry and turning his words into a pitchy whine. "You're so pure, and golden hearted... And perfect..." He sniffled. "You deserve so much better than me. You deserve a man who can remember your name and face... You deserve a man who isn't so afraid of everything... You deserve a man with less troubles than I. You don't deserve me. You deserve so much better than me."

It was a cruel fate that someone with more faults than a toy taken out of production was to fall in love with someone more perfect than an angel whom resided on a golden throne in the clouds. It was almost as if Steve had fallen from heaven and had been put here to torment him, to tease him, to remind him of the all the things he could never be and never have. He was he bane and love of his miserable loving life.

He pressed the lightweight dog tags to his lips and planted a kiss on the most valuable thing he owned besides Steve and brushed the lucky charm with his thumb, caressing the metal plating like you would a pet.

The next morning when Steve awoke he saw that Bucky's eyes were already open, half-open and staring blankly at the ceiling, his face illuminated by the pale golden light pouring in between the gaps in the Venetian blinds, striking his face in long thin lines, soaking his skin in golden rays and giving his face a radiant shine.

"Morning, Buck..." Steve whispered in a hushed tone, not wanting to disturb the mesmerised dazed man sleeping beside him.

Bucky rotated his head to the side slowly, his messy fluffed up hair messing up further as it bristled up against the pillow, building a barrage of spiked up strands.

"Morning..." Bucky replied in a gravelly overused voice, the muscles in his throat strangely taut from where he strained to retain the tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks in waterfall about to flood from his eyes. His tendons were pressed up against the skin like elastic bands pulled tight.

Steve smiled back a dozy morning smile, grinning like the lovesick fool he was, his eyelids scrunching as he smiled so wide, laughter lines making a small appearance.