Artbook 4

My mother

Yes yes ik ik I've not been posting any art but I have stuff I'll post tomorrow if I remember
Also sorry for all these bloody vents and anger outbursts I just find it hard to talk to an actual human

Now

My mother is an absolute controlling bitch

Hm

Maybe I'm being to harsh on her?
No.

Maybe she doesn't even know it
But she is.

I know mothers are supposed to be protective and all but she just seems to be so controlling and judgemental of me all the time

She yells at me if I don't reply to her texts
She yells at me if I don't wear the shoes and clothes she wants me to wear
She yells at me for talking
She yells at me for leaving the back door open accidentally
She yells at me for sitting on the wrong fucking seat in the car
She slaps me occasionally too which it nice
It's fun to be afraid of the one who birthed you
Now I know a few parents still do whack their kids. And I think it is the absolute worst thing you could do. Ever.
Like this child that you birthed and raised you find it easy to slap them when they're bad instead of talking to them.

And yes
I am an extremely rebellious little shit
But she's the one who made me this way.
She's the one who restricted me until there were so many chains dragging me down I couldn't move.
So I fought back.

And you know what
i feel so sad when I see movies where mothers are so loving and supportive of their child, or my friends tell me how great their mums are, not perfect, but kind and loving
Because I never had that
On those nights
When I was sick
In the middle of the night
It was my dad who came to calm me, telling me everything was going to be ok
My mother never did.
Not.
Once.

And when she yells at me for talking back
I can hear it in her voice
The anger
The shame
The disgust
The disappointment.

It's bad enough that she constantly hints im fat.
"Hey Jay you should exercise more you're getting chubby"
"Don't have seconds! That's far to many calories!"
"Don't eat that! you'll get as big as a house"

I asked her once if you would disown me if I was fat and she didn't answer
I asked her again and she just told me to eat my dinner and don't be silly
But it was in an unsure tone
Like she didn't even know herself.

She's also religious and homophobic
Surprise surprise
Fun for me.

And I know other people have it worse
But I just wish I had a mother who loved me for who I am
Not the picture perfect image she wants me to be.

(Sorry if you think this is attention seeking I'm just really mad)