Five years, eight months and two days on the Ark.
I think that's right; it's hard to tell time up here if you're not paying attention. It's been over a year already since my last entry. Guess I've been too busy working on the convoy. One would think that the damn thing would be ready after this long, but there's still a lot to be done. That's okay though, Lillian and I are on it. It's ironic really, that Lillian's become the most sane person on this space borne tin can, but she is. I'm worried about the others though.
Melody's grown so much it makes me feel old, but she's starting to look like she's losing hope, she's looking a little too much like the rest of us adults. Doubt keeps interfering with that wonderful optimism she used to have in her eyes, but I'm hoping that it returns when it's time for us to return to Earth.
McAllen looks like he needs a drink - like, all the time. One would think he'd crack a smile at least once every couple of months, but nope. I'm not without guilt though; I look just as miserable when I'm alone, but he seems to think he's always alone, which isn't true. We're supposed to be friends. But maybe it's my fault for being so distant. I'm scared to talk to him sometimes, to bring up the past and the pain and the loss, not that it ever goes away just because we don't speak about it. It's always there. Amelia, too, I know she's the one who haunts his thoughts - he was in love with her. I'm still pretending it doesn't hurt...
And then, there's Ivy. My mind wanders to her sometimes, when I'm feeling especially lost. She's sane, she's just a little broken inside like the rest of us - I realised that in her bedroom five years ago. Fūck, it feels like that was just yesterday! Maybe it's because I can't forget it, our moment, that first real connection. I talk about it like I even know what it is, but I don't really. I could love her, perhaps - I'm not used to feeling this way about a girl, but who am I to refuse my heart? No, I've already refused it. We might have been dating right now if I wasn't so uncertain about what might happen once we get back to the ground next year. What if we get there and Ara is still alive, and their feelings for each other come back? I know Ivy still misses her and I don't want to be the one to stand between them, especially since the last time I checked I liked guys. But what do I even know anymore? Well, I know that she's freaking beautiful, and that my soul wants her, it's just not sure in what way it wants her. Or maybe it is sure and I'm just complicating things, thinking too much, like I always do. Like I'm doing now.
Feelings suck. I should just go back to writing theories, not diary entries, it's not like they do anyone any good. I have to focus on the convoy, on getting us back; we're so close now! And everyone's counting on me...
