Trapped by my choices

Chapter 18

The gun was now in my shaking hands, sweaty and clammy. My heart beat fast and harder than I ever thought it could, my head hurt more than I ever thought was possible, my legs shook in fear.

I stood in front of the house that I was supposed to be at, Molly's house was only two away and I had to pass it on my way. There was a little light coming from the lanterns in the garden. The house was very well kept, nothing was out of order. The plants were lined up perfectly and the lights were arranged neatly. It was a shame that the impeccable house was going to be destroyed.

The gang watched from a distance, hiding behind dumpsters and bushes. Only a few had actually come, Jake and four others. I could hear their silent whispers coming from different directions. I could almost see the amused smiles on their faces. I could almost see their dark hoods in the shadows of the night. It was almost like a nightmare.

"Jake..." A soft, familiar voice drifted through the cold air. Molly.

I didn't turn to look at her, I kept the gun pointed at the house with my eyes locked on the window I was planning on breaking first. I didn't say anything, out of fear of what might come out. However, panicked rushed through my bones at the sound of her voice.

"What are you doing...." She didn't seem mad, just deeply concerned and confused. Her footsteps moved closer, her breathing grew louder.

"Leave!" I said, a hint of anger and sorrow lingered in my voice. I wanted to protect her and I couldn't do that if she was here, I couldn't shoot up a house with her watching, she might as well be stabbed because that's exactly what it would feel like...for both of us.

I could now hear her breathing and feel it on the back of my neck. I could feel her hand slowly move onto my shoulder, "Please...whatever you're trying to accomplish, just stop. Who put you up to this?"

"Jake did! Now just leave! I have to do this...I have to keep you safe!" I raised my voice, almost too loud.

"Keep me safe?! How is this going to solve anything?!" I could hear Molly chocking down her tears. I knew she was disappointed in me, in what I was doing.

I quieted my voice a little, "Jake is gonna leave you alone! This is the last thing I have to do!"

"Don't you see!? This isn't going to be the last thing!! It's just gonna keep coming, he's not gonna stop getting you to do his dirty work! He finds pleasure in destroying the weak and the hopeless! This is all just for his amusement! You're just giving him what he wants!"

My eyes drifted a little, thinking about the pain I had put myself through, about the regrets I have and the guilt that flooded my mind. Tears formed in my eyes as I recalled the things I had done. Although they might have seemed like wimpy tasks to some, it was big to me. Now I was planning on shooting a house, something that would ruin me forever, I could go to jail, I could never get a wife or have children, I wouldn't be able to have a good job or college. Even if no one found out it was me, I would still be haunted by the memories of the mistakes I made my sophomore year of high school.

I turned the gun and pointed it towards my head. I was shaking even more now, I let a small whimper slip from my mouth. Tears now freely dripped down my face. I turned to look at Molly for the first time all night. I smiled a little, almost forgetting how beautiful she was, "I can't live with the guilt of what I've done..."

"Axel, no!"

"I just can't imagine what all this would feel like in ten years. I don't want to have to walk around, bearing the pain and guilt of my actions."

"Please stop!"

"Molly, I've done all of this so Jake wouldn't hurt you! I'm here tonight because if I wasn't, you would already be dead."

"If you do it and you survive, I will never speak to you again!" Tears poured down her face.

"I can't shoot up someones house! I can't live with this!"

"I will hate you for the rest of our lives!" I guess she really meant that because she hasn't talked to me since I pulled the trigger.

Molly spoke her last words to me that night. After that she ran away, back to her house. Leaving me and all our good and bad memories behind.

"Guys are really good at hiding their feelings." I once told one of my close friends. You now know who she was and what happened. You now know that she saved my life, you now know that she was my hero. I lost her, I lost it all, I should have spent more time with her while I still had the chance.

I should have trusted her and I should have told her what was going on. I shouldn't have let myself become a hostage of my own choices...